I know, I know I haven't written in a long time. There have been various reasons and parts of them will hopefully been explained below-- this will be a very long entry--
It all began with me watching a video letter from my husband. We have found that this is much quicker than snail mail since we can actually see the other person and share more thoughts that any piece of paper could hold. They have also gotten quite long( hours long) to the point where we must take notes in order to keep track of all the comments made and those we want to respond too. It's All together neat in my book.
Well in one of my videos I made the joke that my husband was need back quickly since I had heavy lifting for him to do along with his regular chores of washing our clothes etc. There was also the comment I made sharing a new perspective I learned while reading about "White Tigers" (sexual teaching of women Taoists) about yin and yang and which approaches men and women should practices [ meditations for men because they are majority yang & active creativity for women since they are majority yin]. For my husband these comments sparked a diatribe about gender-roles, equality and his preconceived double standards especially as it pertains to the military.
Below is my response from yahoo IM: (I'm not angry, just making my opinion clear) * some corrections have been made*
'you doing heavy lifting was also a joke.... just for clarification : the whole period thing was the exact reason for justifying the double standard that you mentioned and in doing so your stir that historical pot. Other than yourself nobody holds against you, your actions or decisions that you slack off during the 3rd moon to new moon phase it is probably not even perceived by others. However, it is always assumed that if a woman does anything out of the socially accepted feminine role then she is PMS-ing because she voiced an opinion, was aggressive or performed well as a leader, basically being masculine.
That masculine side is suppose to be hidden in us. We're not suppose to let it out and if we do there are all kinds of social controls in place to keep us in line and the same goes for men showing their feminine side (IE your neck-rolling gesture if done by a male automatically questions his sexuality). More so a woman who can manage this masculinity to her benefit is rewarded and we are encouraged to be more masculine as appose to gender- neutral because if a man was more femme then he would be criticized and deemed weak. And just so you know women who go over board with the feminine (IE being too girly) are also deemed weak and are negatively reinforced for "setting women back..." by other women as well. Prime example (why most women hate Palin and exalted Hilary during the 2008 elections).
Women to this day are still proving that they can do the same things men can but, what men are attempting to do what women do? It is just socially accepted that men can do anything and women have some form of limitations. As I said on the phone, other than bearing children women can do everything a man can but, even that argument is considered 'hitting below the belt'( pun intended) when it comes to gender roles and capabilities. And for that very physical difference is why 'the double standard' still exist. The military "let" women in and gave us the standards not the other way around. Many of them are antiquated meaning women started in the military being nurses, sectaries, and all sorts of gender-based jobs. It's the reason women aren't allowed in some areas of combat, planes, ships still.
As for your mother.... Why do we call it "single-Mom"? Was she any different of a mother with or without a spouse? The very term ignites discourse over the lack of male influence and comments like " that poor woman raising two boys all by herself..." When we both know you had males influences and your mom didn't have as much trouble with you and your brother as she statistically could have. Overall, I will be the first to say "yes, there is a double standard"and "yes, women and men both take advantage of it regularly" be it consciously or unconsciously.
I personally work really hard to not give in, in either way ( this aspect you mentioned about the military is also one that rubbed me the wrong way -- some how the military gets away with separate but equal when it comes to gender).
Okay all that being said my husband is moving into a new area of religious study, Druidry. Which I personally think he will enjoy. I have been working my way thru the Wiccan year-- Her forces propel me-- more by the current situation I find myself in (a new wife to a intense reglious scholar) than directly managed by myself. I have found my way to Druidcraft which is comfortably safe (I'll explain later) between Druidry and Wicca.
Why is it comfortably safe? Because what I realized today is that it scares me to want to follow something just for the sake of doing what my partner is doing. I'm leery of that whole idea of the man being "head" of the household partically in the religious area and I also battle that with this want of being united religiously since our views are so far from the norm especially when it comes to raising kids. (I know) But I never wanted to be apart of those couples that pull their kids both ways (regardless of the faiths involved) until the kids run screaming. Other than that holidays mean family to me, they are those special days were we did something together becoming our family traditions. ( there is something very Victorian and romantic about that...).
but mostly I fear committing to something as deeply compelling as a religious path and then finding my husband has moved on to something else especially if they happened to be the same type path. As a seeker that works perfectly fine for him. Me, on the other hand presently have no drive to discover... okay that's not true, I would love to go deeper into my faith but fear of the unknown is often the cause of my hesitation. Like me putting off the Druidcraft ritual which I could've done the first time I read it or at Lammas or tonight it being a new moon and all.
This is a tightrope act without a net for me. But I always had this feeling. I had hope that having someone who really understood my religion in my life would quill some of that but in most cases it has pushed me out of my solitary comfort zone. The last thing I want to do is answer to some "middle-man" to my goddess or god. ( a lack of pantheon-- allows for less accountablilty on my part 'make a general call, get a general answer")
The Druidcraft is "perfect" since from what I know so far its 'brand new' if anyone else is doing it they haven't formed an encompassing organization yet (lacks accountablity again) and this keeps me poolside with only a toe or two wet as appose to wetting my hair as I watch my husband swim laps.
Do I stay poolside and cheer?
Do I jump in swimming stroke for stroke?
I'm beginning to think this may have been the 'deep end' my husband was referring too when we started dating. In being with him, as his wife, I feel I have agreed to do more than just breezing down my religious path. (duh...I was at my own wedding, which was a true handfasting)
Why am I fighting this?
Its once again one of those things where I think it is 'so easy just to follow my husband let his path parallel mine' and I can't do easy not willingly-- it feels to much like me giving into some feminine power (did I just write that!) perception, expectation.
Is this for me or some passive aggressive social control that has been hidden within marriage that no one has ever told me about?
She says --- Your rambling just go do the ritual....
*work in progress
