Letting Go

Libra Feb 25 2013 Many people eat a lot of sugar. But because they take that sugar in small increments - a teaspoon here and there - they don't realize just how much they consume. So, if they gave up sugar, they might hardly miss it given the small ways it's distributed - yet they could lose a lot of weight. There is something you are doing that isn't good for you now, and it's blocking your success in a certain area of your life. If you stop it, you will barely notice its absence - but you will notice the enormous benefit it leaves behind. -- Copyright © DailyHoroscope. Download it now — http://bit.ly/DHmobile

What could I let go of? Right now I think it could be expectation(s) of how life, my roles and relationship dynamics are suppose to play out. I have to remind myself to keep my self heart and mind open to all the possibilities not just the one I can perceive. It's the Universal Divine Will that is at work here for the greater good over my short termed will concern for my individual self. I have to trust that Will with my goals and aspirations to provide the course for them to happen. I have to be willing to change for the things that I want.

Inner Voice vs. Ego

My ego has been picking at me all week, its been just a chatter box. I have done my mediation to tune this noise out but it has become quite distracting as of late. I have my objective and I can see the obstacles. Part of me thinks that if I try and do all the other things I want to do then I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my head to do the  things I know I need to do. It seems very backwards and at this point I'm so caught up in this arguememt with my ego that that the very same ego is fearful I won't get any of it done, as in I'll just avoid it all. After being woken up by this chattering this morning I have come to my mediation room for grounding and to gain perspective. So if I babble on it's just me working it out.

My wants:
1- to make a hospital gown for Jessica it will take 6 hours and I want it done before she goes into major labor which could be anytime between now and March first. This 'deadline' makes it feel urgent, and the disapointment of not getting it done in time because of my own procrastination aplifies and is irking me.

The next thing is doing sweet stuff for Philip. Since February 1st it has been my goal to better demonstrate my love and respect for him. It has been a challenge and I do falter sometimes. All last week I've been posting messages on his door and making little things. Well this Tuesday is craft day and I want to make an anniversary card for him. But I also have a list of stuff that I want to make both editable and crafty projects that it feels like if I don't sew and bake them today I won't have the time to present them.

I got to get it all done so then I can study because my test is next week. I just want it all out of the way so I can focus deeply. All this other stuff keeps pulling me out of my mind set. Then there is all the cleaning and clearing out that has to be done before any of the craft or baking can begin.

Here's the list-
Clear off the desk
File papers
Set up sewing machine
Clear table for cutting fabrics
Post three hearts on Philip's door
Make nutella pop tarts
Make red velvet cupcakes
Prep smoothies for the week
Prep dinner/lunches for the week
Cut hospital gown pattern
Sew hospital gown
Cut bag pattern
Sew bag
Start mediation book
Meet Lauren for coffee
Finish coloring card
Practice/ prep Tuesday's craft
Study!!!

I accept that my life will be high energy from this moment on. I accept that not every thing I want done will be done when and at the time that I feel it needs to be done. Ulitmately, I have the power of the universe supporting me so it is possible through my  focusing all this energy toward these goals they will be accomplished.

Thanks Inner Voice I needed to hear the above.

Friendship is Magic

So my new guilty pleasure has been watching 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' to decompress after work. It's so cute, my inner child loves it and it has really good writing as well as character and social skill development. I find that after I watch if it was a rough day socially I can empathize with my co-workers and students perspective better. It makes my heart flutter to see groups and partners work well together. This show inspires me and I have gotten some really creative brainstorms after  a couple of espiodes that have been helpful in creating a work life balance.

These seven friends have kept my mind off of worrying and over analyzing all my comments from my job interviews last week. Things are changing and high energy and staying calm through all of it is imperative. Working on maintaining my balance, keeping to my routines and managing my energy levels. All so I can be 20% more Awesome!

Check it out!

What do you do to unwind? What toys or shows does your inner child play with? 

Name Change

So I changed the name of this blog. I think Nest is a more appropriate name since this is where I will be writing about lifestyle topics and how I'm getting a life.
A Nest has alot of symbolic meaning in relation to life. They are set up to protect and nuture family. Family is a big theme for me this year. I want to cultivate relationships and  go deeper in some of my shallower ones. I realize as with anything else you have to be the family member you want to interact with to do this. In most cases we negect that premise in famial relationships simply because of the societal connotations that anything goes since the physical relation is there. I have expressed this often in the past; why do I let ( insert relative's name here) ( insert verb here: hurt, treat, believe, enable etc) me positively/ negatively  when if they were not related I  would/not allow it?
If you ever asked that same question then you and I are having issues with boundaries. FAMILY  does not mean a person has carte blaunche of you--Only you can allow that as with any interpersonal relationship. I have fallen prey to that false conculsion as well at times; it happens it teaches us.
A Nest is a home, constructed and reconstructed for it's season each piece is choosen with care and specific purpose. I hope to build and develop this space for family with in and with out of myself.
In addition some of the past posts will also become hidden but I hope to add content regularly so you might not even miss it.

WIP,
Trina

Hello 2013!

Super excited that 2013 is here! I have let go of a lot in the past year and my hope is to be open minded and open-hearted in order to fill those new open spaces with creativity and love. I can not express my gratitude enough  for my friends, family and husband for all their support  throughout 2012. Some things to look forward to in 2013:

Continue blogging-- I have wanted to write a book for a really long time and after failing miserably at NANOWRIMO this year i realized that there were other avenues of writing and communication  So I combined my two favorite past times reading about crafting and crafting with writing and got The Perki Giver.
I also decided to update more here and on a family journal that my husband and I keep together. So I'll be writing all the time and maybe in the future that book will come but presently blogging is the new hotness for me.

Physical activity-- I plan to keep this going as well. This past year I trained and ran the Peachtree Road Race 5K, took a spinning class, did Zumba, did yoga, hike a mountain regularly and do kung fu. You can follow me on Fitocracy as well as I level up in the coming year. I just took on a challenge to run more in January and I really want to do the Color Run in April so I think as long as I keep moving I'll be in good shape.

Craft, Craft, Craft-- This last goal kind of fell into my lap, really. It all started with a 30th birthday party at Micheals and next thing I know  I have a craft blog, and a certified scrapbook and paper craft instructor and  I'm setting up meet ups in my classroom for fellow teachers who craft. I couldn't be more thrilled! Creating and making stuff has opened a whole new world for me. It's like I'm using a whole other part of my brain it's joyous!

Growing in Mind and Spirit-- I'm taking online classes on just about everything from teaching and graphic design to how to reason. Along with my spiritual practice I have lots of reading to do. thank go for pdf readers and audio books for getting me through my commute to work a little bit smarter.

Love-- last but not least I have been learning to express true love to those I care deeply about and to everyone around me. It is a daily test to love others as God love us and to keep that faith through the trying of times to learn and grow in that capacity to love. I want to be the best expression of that Love that I can be.

So with all that on my plate all things are possible and I look forward to all that 2013 has to bring!

Happy New Year!

Four Expectations better know as "a really old vent session circa May 2010"

This post has been edited and updated as of 26 DEC 14.
It has been a really long time since I've blogged..... okay a really, really long time.
It seems that I have just been going through an ebb and flow on a cosmic scale. I personally find myself in similar places, doing similar things and making similar comments very close to last year. It has been annual deja`vu. [ redacted personal statement]

18 months later...

Being a WIFE, especially Philip's WIFE is hard. I'm no longer the scared, eager bunny worried about if something will upset him or make him not love me (he has proven that he loves me in that way that all humanity is loved but he clearly does not like me everyday and even then he has his preferences to certain parts for function). I'm a tired, weary hare currently( last week I was all cuddle bunny and it was GREAT!). Mostly this is from managing his issues while working on mine.

I will admit I'm a capable girl if nothing else, I can take a lot of wear and tear before I really fall apart. I'm the essence of hard-working and I can be resilient if necessary. I've learned some of these skills the hard way and others from really good advice. Not to mention my physical flexible and open-mindedness to experiment in different ways of pleasuring my partner. I am The Hotness, I'm a cool chick but there is a line.

Line--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think as much as we don't like to admit it we all have expectations (we are socialized critters after all) these expectations can be from anything from childhood experiences to your Judeo-Christian upbringing. They can even be the result of negative events. So here are my 4 major expectations as a WIFE.

1. Being your WIFE gives me certain privileges with you and vice verse. This could be anything depending on the couple- but for us I let Philip lightly joke during serious conversations, he asks my opinion before he makes major decisions, sexual favors etc. The point is do no take privileges for granted or misuse this "Pass Card"  for things-that-you-do-that-annoy-your-loved-one gifted to you by your partner's love and understanding.
2. We work as a TEAM with each other. WE have our roles according to skills, capabilities and other characteristics. We Trust the other to do what needs to be done in the appropriate manner in the best interest of US. This takes a gazillion tons of communication almost til we're blue in the face. Please note that roles are NOT based on twisty, nostalgic remembrances of the past's gender roles or even what your parents might have done or not done. If you being the stay-at-home parent works, do it. If you make big bucks, bring those home. Each unique couple uniquely defines their relationship.
3. R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Me as your WIFE, Lover and Friend. I hold your confidence, support and trust in high esteem as you should hold mine. We have to listen and acknowledge the boundaries set by the other, even without an explanation forthcoming. Unconditional support means your happiness is priceless. Our behaviors effect our spouse too.
4. Love me in words and actions. Things are done in love and are appreciated for the kindness in your heart. Add to my value, invest in me for the profit of our longevity. Being Married is a blessing; having someone to share life with is a blessing. Life is long, do not get so caught up in the short term that you lose sight of the long term. Here is an example of what NOT to do: Dan does not appreciated Mary's income as a teacher but prided himself at paying all the bills from their joint account every month. He would yell at her for grading papers at home or for staying late at school. But it was her paycheck that got them through the rough times before and after a bankruptcy and her getting a second job that repaired their credit enough to buy a house. 

Week Two

Air Mediation
Goals: manage my routine around work; send off information to manage student loans; cross stitch the air glyph for sampler; AM/ PM yoga; get Carpooling started
Challenges: waking up earlier in the cold mornings; being tired after work
Reflection: I had weird dreams all week, only two I remember enough to write them down. Adrienne and I did carpool once this week so it should work out okay even if our schedules are a little different. I had a headache Monday night but Philip and I did watch this interesting video on Qigong. Now that I understand more of the principles behind it I would probably want to do some next year, although according to the lesson we watched any exercise and mediation routine would enrich your chi. Mr. Richardson said that I might have the gift of Prophecy since in the card I gave him for Christmas stated " I hope you get many books..." and apparently he brought about 2o or so which he says is out of character for him since he is very selective in what he reads and frugal. Friday was a Beautiful Snow Day so no work! We ran errand mostly since Philip got paid we were able to take care of some pressing bills and get groceries. I have yet to start the air glyph or read about the suit of Swords. I have updated all the blogs today however so the thinking wheels have been turning.
I'm proud that I got a lot of sorority business taken care of and I also received my prayer beads which I hope to include a meditation next week since this one is over. Off the BOTA study group.

Week ONE

Earth Mediation
Goals: Cross stitch earth glyph of sampler; listen to Podcast (Ariel's Witch's Primer); cleansing for the new year; start our savings plan back up; Yoga AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday; Yoga PM on Tuesday and Thursday

Challenges: being quiet during morning routine so Philip and I concentrate on Physical practices; managing money to pay bills, get my car a new battery, mail off books, get food, gas and other daily needs; being to tried to do yoga at night after cooking dinner

Reflection:I'm glad to be at a point in my money management lesson that I can start saving to reinforce the balance I have created for the long-term. Yes I still have bills but I've learned mostly from Philip to take care of them in a way that doesn't leave me broke the day after pay day because I gave all me money to creditors "never give away your last penny and if you have two save one for later". I need to supplement our income either by working a second job and selling the note cards. On New Year's Eve I cleaned and air out the house as much as possible. I updated some of the altars for balance, lite incenses for prosperity and opened the windows to refresh the air (Bad chi out, good chi in). I started reading some information on astrology, read over the Druidcraft tarot suit of Pentacles (which I going to do for each corresponding mediation) the Princess of Pentacles and the Nine of Pentacles were very helpful. I'm also reading The Art of Everyday Ecstasy and The Love Spell. I was able to do yoga in the mornings but didn't get any session for the PM. on Sunday after updating some information about the zodiac and numerology in my Book of Shadows I did a tarot reading for Philip's friend Michael. I was excited because the universe just brought all that together for me.

Wishful Thinking

I woke up this morning wanting to do so many things in preparation for this next year, 2010. I feel that this year will be full of learning and gathering knowledge to boost me to the next level. This past year, really my first year in marriage has truly been a growing experience. I have gotten everything I could possibly imagine in a partner plus aspects I didn't even recognize I need in my life. I'm very proud of this forward movement. At the New Year we will have paid off all of my debt outside of school loans and my car. This has been very exciting for me! I'm considering the possibility of getting a second job to expedite some of the school loans payments. But thinking on it yesterday and reviewing my goals I'd rather move forward with my stationary business 'Lovely Notes'. I think if I dedicated the same amount of time to creating the product and managing the business that in the long run (a year or two)I'll be more profitable. My current goal is to setup an online store on Esty's and sell the card sets there. I'll start with just a matching set of 12 (card w/ lined envelope) in a nice "keepsake" box for $20.
Last night I dreamt of color coordinated sticker seals and embossing the envelopes with my logo. After doing well at the little MMHS Craft Show I've been keeping my eye out to participate in more of them but that also means that I need to be making a regular stocked product. Just now I thought of ribbon and plastic sleeves for the smaller sets. I would love if some boutique wanted my notes as a featured product or it to be an Oprah favorite thing, something HUGE like that would be Awesome! In the meantime I need to finish this process for my certification. I hope to take my last set of tests in March (I'm still debating taking a late fee to do the test earlier). It's English Writing and Special Ed Curriculum, I know I need a study guide for that last one. My thought is to study over the Winter Break and test in January to be ready to go for next school year then, once I start teaching the Practicum finish my Masters' by the second year to power boost the pay- because of the pay grade jumps from para- to 1st year teacher(Bachelors') to 2nd yr with a Master's. The break I get for being in school on top of loan forgiveness for working five years in a 'Title One' school that should take care of the school loans nicely. And if business is booming with the cards I could start making calendars, planners and contact books. I might have to retire from teaching by my 6th or 7th year.
Wishful Thinking...
But on the spiritual side this Yule/Alban Arthuran Philip and I will be initiated into the Druid Order of the Three Realms. For a while I had been making this transition really hard (Philip makes everything sound so complex and intricate) on top of my own hesitations about being in an organized group and joining along side my husband. But when I reflected on my spiritual activity this past year I realized that I had been doing some of the required practices. The point of next year is to do it on purpose with a focus and record growth. Hopefully today I can get some concrete plans organized. I want everything setup and ready to go so there are no excuses to stall out. Philip of course has been very helpful by adding all different types of yoga instructional videos to our hard-drive; gathering books for our library and I think we will even end up doing some of our practice's plan together (learning about local plant life etc). He wants to do nature survival courses and camping which is fine and will be very interesting to say the least. One of my favorite things we do, ever since we started dating, is walking through a park, just talking and enjoying nature. Another part of my plan is to study Tarot as a form of divination. I'd like to cross-stitch each card of the Major Arcana or the Tableau meditating on each one as I go. That really has to be setup. I'm going to have to create a pattern to do it but it should be fun. So by this time next year I'll be pretty much finished.
Ultimately I have to remember to enjoy the moment although next year will be just as exciting as this one has; resting in these lulls is necessary.

Blessed Be

Update!

Gods! It's been months I think since my last posting. And it was all for things going a little nutty when 'the hubby' finally came home. Let's see if I remember correctly;
I Lost my wedding band at Lyra class (this was the band that Philip had sent to me after he left). I had just gotten our wooden rings in the mail and was super excited about having all three. The wood rings turned out beautifully and I love how each matches our skin tones almost to the point where you only see the in-laid lapis or malachite. Meanwhile, Philip is literally flying over my head when Sadie's husband finds my ring. Originally my plan had been to leave school to meet Philip in Savannah but I got side tracked running all the way back up to Decatur to get the wedding ring.
I'm very thankful to have it but learned a very important lesson: All summer friends have been losing everything from babies to jobs to developing mysterious medical illnesses, if losing a ring was all that happened then I'd take the loss in light of my still having a job and a husband. The ring is just a symbol and before it was found and after I did a lot of prayer. I was okay with the ring being a temporary symbol to get me through this period, if that's how SHE meant it to be.
So then I ran back down south made a short pit stop with Jekka and John at Mellow Mushroom for dinner and then I was on the road again for three hours till Savannah.
By the time I get there I'm beyond tried, excited I have that shaky anxious feeling. Seeing my husband for the first time after three months in person was like when I met him the first time "is this real, can I really be this lucky! (my husband is gorgeous, tall, strong, and all man by the way)."
Needless to say we were both very excited and for a moment we couldn't decide what we wanted to do more hold each other and snuggle or make sweet passionate love. The later won out. Being together again was like our first time for me (with less screaming). It was probably new to him too. I have all these new muscles and strength from Lyra that I didn't have before he left.
I'm very proud of myself and that I've stayed with it this long. I want to keep learning more and seeing some of the other girls I know there's a lot more for me too. That's exciting I'm setting goals even (by my 1st Anniversary of Lyra I want to be doing tandem work or at least be able to strip while in Lyra[jk]).
So we came Home after one night and one day in Savannah. We're pretty much back into the regular routine. Philip washing clothes, my trying to cook more often, Fu, Lyra, meeting up with old friends you know the usual whirlwind.
Personally it took some adjusting-- I mean I don't have quite as much going on when Philip is not here. Yes there's work, TNX stuff, Lyra class and visiting family and friends, but mostly I got to read the books that I wanted and study for the GACE (which i passed!!!!!); I rented whatever movie I wanted to watch from old musicals like Oklahoma! and Guys and Dolls or Breakfast at Tiffany's from the library.
I tried really hard not to go "shopping" however, the money management area I still need some conditioning in because we had a big opportunity to really decrease our debt and I just didn't take advantage as aggressively as I felt was in the best way. Definitely, a learning experience. I was surprised that Philip just expected me to tell him what I needed and then expected to respond according to my needs. I've never had that before so I just keep working with what I was given. Even after the money post and those issues got hashed out I couldn't bring myself to ask for more. Now when I looked at how I worked out the budget it was all wrong. I can admit now that I really was more focused on earning his trust. But my concept of his trust issues were very different from what they actually were.
Presently, we've resolved to work together more on our finances and communicating about our personal issues.
Then we went on our trip to North and south Carolina!
We had a blast doing the walking tours of city artwork in Asheville and visiting the Traditional Chinese Medicine school in Boone. We enjoyed the small mountain college town more than we liked Charlotte even though they also had interesting public art all over the downtown area. We also visited his parents, my grandmother and various friends. I enjoyed seeing some of where Philip grew up.

.... And then the rain stopped

Okay so after printing off the GACE form I need for tomorrow, I went and performed the ritual for the Druidcraft Initiation ceremony.

Basically I read the chapter "The Law of the Returning Tide" aloud. It contained a story of the Selkies, magical seals who come to land during Beltaine to mate for the next generation. While one time a fisherman, Targgart, hide one of the selk's seal skin and tricks her into marrying him for seven years. She has a son who she loves very much but each times she asks for her skin Targgart says "don't you love your husband and your child?" One day the son hears this and knowing where her skin is hidden gives it back to her. They run to the beach and Targgart tries to stop them but he is too late. Every evening there are two fish left on the rocks by Targgart's hut left by the selk for her husband and son.

The story is an allegory for the Law of Returning Tide which states that what ever you put out will return to you. As Druidcraft magicians we can use this law to change our lives, the lives of others and the world.

From there I dedicated myself to using this magic in positive way and for Brigid to guide me as I start this journey. (While I'm doing this a Storm starts full down pour with thunder and lightening-- it's raining so hard it sounds like the ocean {suggested location for this ritual})
I meditated breathing in deep the smell of incense and listening to the storm grow. Something deep inside opened and I could feel my hands; one warm almost hot and the other cool; (like at Beltane) but this time they were solid rods with weight. I could really feel them even when I finished mediating I had to physically set them down to go on with the ritual.
I continued with the Nine Blessings. My initial plan was to sprinkle myself with the water we got from the Great Smokie Mountains but it was raining so hard that I did the first initial sprinkle and then went for the Kitchen door.
I stood in the doorway watching the night sky lite with lightening, listening to thunder and walked out to the middle of the our patio and read all the nine blessings from the Druidcraft book. Then I throw the book inside the kitchen and stood until I was soaked with rain!

BLESSED BE!

I couldn't have asked for more

But then I went back inside to the altar room and was about to close it out when I remembered the Home-Blessing.

This I went around to each room lighting candles or incense (mostly) asking for blessings in and around our home and in and around our lives. This time I did use the Smokie Mountain spring water. Sprinkling a little for each blessing. I ended in the middle of the apartment thanking the Goddess and God for all that had been given to us. I returned to the altar room and closed.

And for a couple minutes the rain stopped and only as I've been writing this post has it started again. Did I mention I was wearing blue.

It is that first step through the tree line.

I trust Her...

Blessed Be!

Gender-roles and the Double (no, wait)Triple Standard

I know, I know I haven't written in a long time. There have been various reasons and parts of them will hopefully been explained below-- this will be a very long entry--

It all began with me watching a video letter from my husband. We have found that this is much quicker than snail mail since we can actually see the other person and share more thoughts that any piece of paper could hold. They have also gotten quite long( hours long) to the point where we must take notes in order to keep track of all the comments made and those we want to respond too. It's All together neat in my book.
Well in one of my videos I made the joke that my husband was need back quickly since I had heavy lifting for him to do along with his regular chores of washing our clothes etc. There was also the comment I made sharing a new perspective I learned while reading about "White Tigers" (sexual teaching of women Taoists) about yin and yang and which approaches men and women should practices [ meditations for men because they are majority yang & active creativity for women since they are majority yin]. For my husband these comments sparked a diatribe about gender-roles, equality and his preconceived double standards especially as it pertains to the military.

Below is my response from yahoo IM: (I'm not angry, just making my opinion clear) * some corrections have been made*
'you doing heavy lifting was also a joke....

just for clarification : the whole period thing was the exact reason for justifying the double standard that you mentioned and in doing so your stir that historical pot. Other than yourself nobody holds against you, your actions or decisions that you slack off during the 3rd moon to new moon phase it is probably not even perceived by others. However, it is always assumed that if a woman does anything out of the socially accepted feminine role then she is PMS-ing because she voiced an opinion, was aggressive or performed well as a leader, basically being masculine.
That masculine side is suppose to be hidden in us. We're not suppose to let it out and if we do there are all kinds of social controls in place to keep us in line and the same goes for men showing their feminine side (IE your neck-rolling gesture if done by a male automatically questions his sexuality). More so a woman who can manage this masculinity to her benefit is rewarded and we are encouraged to be more masculine as appose to gender- neutral because if a man was more femme then he would be criticized and deemed weak. And just so you know women who go over board with the feminine (IE being too girly) are also deemed weak and are negatively reinforced for "setting women back..." by other women as well. Prime example (why most women hate Palin and exalted Hilary during the 2008 elections).
Women to this day are still proving that they can do the same things men can but, what men are attempting to do what women do? It is just socially accepted that men can do anything and women have some form of limitations. As I said on the phone, other than bearing children women can do everything a man can but, even that argument is considered 'hitting below the belt'( pun intended) when it comes to gender roles and capabilities. And for that very physical difference is why 'the double standard' still exist.
The military "let" women in and gave us the standards not the other way around. Many of them are antiquated meaning women started in the military being nurses, sectaries, and all sorts of gender-based jobs. It's the reason women aren't allowed in some areas of combat, planes, ships still.
As for your mother.... Why do we call it "single-Mom"? Was she any different of a mother with or without a spouse? The very term ignites discourse over the lack of male influence and comments like " that poor woman raising two boys all by herself..." When we both know you had males influences and your mom didn't have as much trouble with you and your brother as she statistically could have.
Overall, I will be the first to say "yes, there is a double standard"and "yes, women and men both take advantage of it regularly" be it consciously or unconsciously.
I personally work really hard to not give in, in either way ( this aspect you mentioned about the military is also one that rubbed me the wrong way -- some how the military gets away with separate but equal when it comes to gender).

Okay all that being said my husband is moving into a new area of religious study, Druidry. Which I personally think he will enjoy. I have been working my way thru the Wiccan year-- Her forces propel me-- more by the current situation I find myself in (a new wife to a intense reglious scholar) than directly managed by myself. I have found my way to Druidcraft which is comfortably safe (I'll explain later) between Druidry and Wicca.
Why is it comfortably safe? Because what I realized today is that it scares me to want to follow something just for the sake of doing what my partner is doing. I'm leery of that whole idea of the man being "head" of the household partically in the religious area and I also battle that with this want of being united religiously since our views are so far from the norm especially when it comes to raising kids. (I know) But I never wanted to be apart of those couples that pull their kids both ways (regardless of the faiths involved) until the kids run screaming. Other than that holidays mean family to me, they are those special days were we did something together becoming our family traditions. ( there is something very Victorian and romantic about that...).
but mostly I fear committing to something as deeply compelling as a religious path and then finding my husband has moved on to something else especially if they happened to be the same type path. As a seeker that works perfectly fine for him. Me, on the other hand presently have no drive to discover... okay that's not true, I would love to go deeper into my faith but fear of the unknown is often the cause of my hesitation. Like me putting off the Druidcraft ritual which I could've done the first time I read it or at Lammas or tonight it being a new moon and all.
This is a tightrope act without a net for me. But I always had this feeling. I had hope that having someone who really understood my religion in my life would quill some of that but in most cases it has pushed me out of my solitary comfort zone. The last thing I want to do is answer to some "middle-man" to my goddess or god. ( a lack of pantheon-- allows for less accountablilty on my part 'make a general call, get a general answer")
The Druidcraft is "perfect" since from what I know so far its 'brand new' if anyone else is doing it they haven't formed an encompassing organization yet (lacks accountablity again) and this keeps me poolside with only a toe or two wet as appose to wetting my hair as I watch my husband swim laps.

Do I stay poolside and cheer?
Do I jump in swimming stroke for stroke?

I'm beginning to think this may have been the 'deep end' my husband was referring too when we started dating. In being with him, as his wife, I feel I have agreed to do more than just breezing down my religious path. (duh...I was at my own wedding, which was a true handfasting)

Why am I fighting this?

Its once again one of those things where I think it is 'so easy just to follow my husband let his path parallel mine' and I can't do easy not willingly-- it feels to much like me giving into some feminine power (did I just write that!) perception, expectation.

Is this for me or some passive aggressive social control that has been hidden within marriage that no one has ever told me about?

She says --- Your rambling just go do the ritual....

*work in progress

UPDATE

This morning started well enough with a reflection/ re-read of all my previous postings. The following are statements on the progress I've made in each area.

• Plan a wedding (nuptial renewal event)-- See 'To Wed or Not To Wed' we may still party but a nice out of country, week-long trip would be great too.
  

• Buy a house/ find a new apartment with a washer and dryer -- With the economy the way it is Phillip and I have a lot of options. The main goal is to save as much money as possible to take care of our debt. Second is location. Meanwhile, Catt moves out the last week of July.
  

1. We could stay where we are (renew the lease in Nov)
2. Move somewhere different for less and maybe a little closer to work for me
3. Go in on renting a house with Phillip's Aunt and Uncle (4 bed, 3+ bath for $1200 a month in Dekalb/Central Fulton area)
   
4. Buy/Rent a loft or small house for just us

• Visit friends and family all over the country -- I went to Detroit, MI for a week with Jekka and John. Will probably visit more family when Phillip get home in the Fall. I'm trying to stay in touch with many of my friends since I have the time. Usually I'm doing some of this throughout a week:Trivia and TV watching with Darryll and DeDe; Dinners and theater events with Lena/ babysit Render; Sleepovers at Jekka and John's; Ma Jong at Craig's; Annual party with Adrienne; Spending time with Tricia and chilling with my sorority sisters.

• Take a much needed trip for relaxation -- Really I've done tons of relaxing right here in the apartment, but I will get a pedicure one of these days. This has turned into Going to TNX Convention in Philadelphia this September.

• Study and pass the GACE (Pedagogy) -- My test is August 22nd. Yesterday, I requested lots of books from the library to help me study and I brought a study guide book earlier this spring to work with. It's just 5 weeks away and school starts in 2. I've decided to take the High School Sociology GACE test as well since I have an actual degree in that, it's consider a science= higher pay, and I would be considered highly qualified. And once I got the certification I can go back to school for a Master in Education.

• Payoff all Phillip's and my bills -- This one has had its challenges ('Hidden Costs') but I think we are doing well. We got one card almost completely paid off but then we used it to buy my sister's ticket for her mission trip ('The Goddess and Her Money'). Otherwise everything is current and up-to-date.
  

• Get matching wooden wedding bands-- have designed them, but need to get confirmation on the commission and start the payment plan. (This got set to the side during my trip and the whole credit card issue)

• Learning more about Druidry, Wicca and Druidcraft-- I'm actually pretty proud of my progress. Phillip and I are corresponding in Ogham now, we created a Book of Shadows blog and we have continued our practice of reviewing some aspect of divination regularly. We're currently working on The Druidcraft Tarot in comparison to the Sidhe Tarot.
  

• Expanding my Spirituality-- I have begun listening regularly to Ariel's Druidic Craft of the Wise Podcast along with reading other Wiccan and Pagan based media. I hope to develop a regular mediation period in my daily routine as suggested in ' Lifestyle Changes'.

• Start my stationary business--I have done some interesting project with paper this summer. Lena came over for craft night and we marbleized some old stationary i had with paint and shaving cream. It was allot of fun! I also plan to make my own paper out of the shredded scrape from when i cleaned out my filing system. As far as business goes I'm researching my craft at this point by checking out instructional videos and books from the library and reading craft blogs. This should be crafting in general since there are other craft projects that i want to do as well although it would be nice to sell them I'm fine just being creative.

• Lose 20 lbs.-- This goes into being healthier the lower I keep my weight the lower my risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and all the other things black women are susceptible too. so I've taken up Lyra with is an aerial art form perform mostly in cirque-style shows and burlesque. It takes tons of core strength to do since your lifting your own body weight. It also has a sensual grace to it because of the various poses and positions. I enjoy it very much and look forward to getting my own equipment.

• Get on a better fitting birth control to our lifestyle-- Went to my OBGYN, Dr. DeMarco, who was very happy with my pap and overall health. I got a shiny new Nuva Ring prescription now I just need to check prices of the various pharmacies nearby to get it filled.

• Catch-up on all my favorite TV shows and movies-- This I've been doing at DeDe's (watching Bravo cooking and fashion shows with Uncle Darryll), checking out movies from the Library, and watching shows on my laptop via Hulu.com and other sites
  

• Save Money-- We are still working on the saving aspect of our finances such as creating an emergency fund and over the long-term for future large purchases (house, trips, school, kids, retirement etc)

• Get ready for our Camping Retreat in October-- We're considering going to Asheville, NC even if we don't camp but I got a video on camping for beginners from the library, looked at some different camping sites in the National Parks system nearby and joined the REI co-op for discounts on camping supplies anyway. We may not do this in October but next spring/summer instead.
  
• Research my family history as far back as possible-- I started getting family information together for the Dents, Perkins, Lawson's, and Whitfield's on Geni. Now I must go to the census and see what i can find there. It was really nice since lots of cousins added their information and now we have a pretty up-to date record of everyone in the family.

• Start writing fiction again/ publish a story-- haven't written a story yet but i have been blogging which in a way is story telling in itself, sort of.

• Work in my container garden-- my "garden" is coming along very nicely. I have two sweet potato vines, parsley, basil, oregano, mint, chives, cherries and I have peaches to be planted in the fall. I haven't gotten to actual veggies (mostly because of timing and space) but as this being my first garden I'm proud of my herbs.

• Go vegetarian-- I'm enjoying it ! 'Just and Ordinary Day...' & 'Lifestyle Changes'

"I will be abstinent, non-alcoholic, no meat-eating and spiritually reflective as well." Truthfully I have masturbated. I'm currently working on focusing that energy into being a better partner physically/ sexually. And strangely my alcoholic in take has increase right around the time my meat eating stopped. I think it has to do with a carb craving but it has not been heavy drinking just a beer/ale/ wine here or there socially which isn't any more or less that I drank before going veggie or ever. My spiritual reflections are noted above and in previous blogs.

"My resolution is to keep a food journal..." I did this for two day on my phone's notepad which was very convenient but I was on vacation. I don't understand my current reluctance but will try to get back in the habit. Especially since 5 small meals a day with a protein heavy one in the morning is a little unusual for me.

"By the time Philip returns I will have been veggie long enough that its a standing habit and will be cooking veggie meals regularly." I'm still experimenting but finding things to make has not been as hard as I initially thought. The goal is to remain flexible and try new things.

Wow!!!!
I tought this would be a short list but not until I was two hours into writing did a realize how much I've done thus far this summer, with plenty still to do. I might need a whole other break after this one.

WIP

Lifestyle Changes

So this past month I became vegetarian. No meat but I still eat fish, eggs and dairy along with the usual fruits, beans, grains, nuts and veggies. There has been a great improvement I think to my health- skin feels better, drinking more water, energy, weight loss and a host of other things that have probably happened and I just haven't noticed just yet.
I'm quite proud of my recent trip to Detroit, MI over the 4th of July weekend- where I only had fish once in a meal. Everything else was soy, fruits, and veggies. John, Jekka's husband, and fellow veggie lover helped me tons with ordering out. I had gotten good at making veggie friendly dishes at home but was hitting a bump when it came to eating out. My husband also suggested some great places to eat in and around Atlanta.
I was even more pleasantly surprised that I was doing a good thing for m body when I saw an episode of "the Doctors" and the mentioned a diet based on the needs of your blood type. This was very much similar to a diet I had read about in the past that connect your body type structure to primary food groups (genotype diet). After doing some research I found that both diets have the same founder!

Below is an excerpt from the website 'Eat Right for Your Type' about the blood type A, by Dr. Peter J. D'Adamo:
What Makes a 'Type A' an Individual?



What makes Me Me and You You?

This is the question that is at the heart of the genetic puzzle. It is also central to our exploration of blood types. The key is genetic heritage - the story line of your life. Even though you are living in the 21st century, you share a common bond with your ancestors. The genetic information that resulted in their particular characteristics has been passed on to you.

People who are A blood type have a different set of characteristics than people who are Type O - they are susceptible to different diseases, they should eat different foods and exercise in a completely different manner. Some believe that personality is influenced by blood type! Dr. D'Adamo, author of the best selling books Eat Right for Your Type and Live Right for Your Type, among others, gives us a blueprint for living in his books. Read on to learn more about the Type A individual.

Type A History

The Type A emerges into the 21st century with many more complex challenges than their ancestors could have imagined. The key factor in the development of Type A can be traced to the struggle for survival long ago, when there was a rapidly dwindling supply of hunting game stock. Having exhausted the great game herds of Africa, humans pushed farther out from their ancestral home into Europe and Asia. The cultivation of grains and livestock changed everything. For the first time, people were able to forgo the hand to mouth lifestyle of the hunter/gatherer and establish stable communities. Over time the adaptations that produced Blood Type A were based on the need to fully utilize nutrients from carbohydrate sources. These biological adaptations can still be observed today in Type A's digestive structure. Low levels of hydrochloric acid in the stomach and high intestinal disaccharide digestive enzyme levels permit the more efficient digestion of carbohydrates. According to Dr. D'Adamo, these are also the very factors, along with low levels of intestinal alkaline phosphatase, that make it difficult for Type As to digest and metabolize animal protein and fat.

What Makes Type A Unique

Many neurochemical factors in the Type A genetic disposition favor a structured, rhythmic, harmonious life, surrounded by a positive, supportive community. The harried pace and increased sense of isolation experienced by so many in today's society often make these needs difficult to achieve. Type A best exemplifies the powerful interconnections between mind and body. This was vital to the shift away from hunting and procurement to building and growing. However, Type A's more internalized relationship to stress, which served your ancestors well, can be a challenge for the modern Type A. The Blood Type Diet's proactive mix of lifestyle strategies, hormonal equalizers, gentle exercise and specialized dietary guidelines will maximize your overall health; decrease your natural risk factors for cancer, diabetes and cardiovascular disease. The result: high performance, mental clarity, greater vitality and increased longevity.

Type A Diet

"When we discuss 'diet,' we are not talking necessarily about a weight loss plan, that's a side benefit to following this plan. We are actually discussing diet in the more traditional sense, meaning a way to eat," explains, Dr. D'Adamo. Type As flourish on a vegetarian diet - if you are accustomed to eating meat, you will lose weight and have more energy once you eliminate the toxic foods from your diet. Many people find it difficult to move away from the typical meat and potato fare to soy proteins, grains and vegetables. But it is particularly important for sensitive Type As to eat their foods in as natural a state as possible: pure, fresh and organic. "I can't emphasize enough how this critical dietary adjustment can be to the sensitive immune system of Type A. With this diet you can supercharge your immune system and potentially short circuit the development of life threatening diseases."

Handling Stress

In this busy, ever changing world, it's almost impossible to avoid every day stress. Type As have a naturally high level of the stress hormone cortisol and produce more in response to stressful situations. Cortisol is released in 24-hour patterns, typically in the early morning between six and eight A.M. with a gradual decrease during the day. It helps to cue the body's other cyclical rhythms. Due to the naturally elevated cortisol in type As, additional stress often manifests in several ways; disrupted sleep patterns, daytime brain fog, increased blood viscosity (thickening), and promotes muscle loss and fat gain. In extreme cases in Type As, stress can manifest in more serious ways, causing obsessive-compulsive disorder, insulin resistance and hypothyroidism. To help balance cortisol levels, Dr. D'Adamo recommends that you limit sugar, caffeine and alcohol. Don't skip meals, especially breakfast; eating smaller, more frequent meals will also help to stabilize blood sugar levels. He also points out that the following factors are known to increase cortisol levels and increase mental exhaustion for Type As - be aware and limit your exposure when possible:

• Crowds of people
• Loud noise
• Negative emotions
• Smoking
• Strong smells or perfumes
• Too much sugar and starch
• Overwork
• Violent TV and movies
• Lack of sleep
• Extreme weather conditions (hot or cold)

Calming Exercise - The Critical Component for Health and Well Being

Heightened cortisol levels make it harder for Type As to recover from stress. Research has demonstrated that overall cortisol levels can be lowered through a regular program of exercises that provide focus and calming effects. Make these activities a regular - and life saving - part of your lifestyle. Dr. D'Adamo recommends, Hatha Yoga, Tai Chi and Meditation and Deep Breathing Exercises. Meditation has been studied for its effects on stress hormones. It was found that after meditation, serum cortisol levels were significantly reduced. Writes Dr. D'Adamo, "While it's fine for Type As to participate in more intense physical activity when healthy and in good condition, be aware that these forms of exercise do not act as safety valves for stress in your blood type. I have seen Type As excel at weight lifting and aerobic activities, but you have to be careful about not over training, as that will actually raise cortisol levels."

The Personality Connection

Blood Type is a marker of individuality - and perhaps of personality as well. In Japan, it has long been believed that Blood Type is an indicator of personality - in fact, you are likely to be asked your blood type in a job interview or while out on a date with a potential mate! In a study conducted by Dr. D'Adamo in 1999, he found some interesting connections between blood type and personality. Type As most often described themselves in ways related to the following characteristics: sensitive to the needs of others, good listeners, detail oriented, analytical, creative and inventive.

Live Right!

In addition to exercise, stress management and eating the right foods, here are some key lifestyle strategies for Type A individuals.

• Cultivate creativity and expression in your life
• Establish a consistent daily schedule
• Go to bed no later than 11:00 PM and sleep for 8 hours or more. Don't linger in bed, as soon as you get up, get going!
• Take at least two breaks of 20 minutes each during the work day. Stretch, take a walk, do deep breathing exercises or meditate.
• Don't skip meals
• Eat more protein at the start of the day, less at the end
• Don't eat when you are anxious
• Eat smaller, more frequent meals. (3 meals & 2 snacks)
  
• Engage in 30 to45 minutes of calming exercise at least 3 times a week.
• Plan regular screening for heart disease and cancer prevention.
• Always chew food thoroughly to enhance digestion. Low stomach acid makes digestion more difficult.

It amazes me how on the mark some of these things are and I notice throughout my day to day routine. It seems that I am on the right tract and with just a few more lifestyle changes I will be much better off.


WIP

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The Goddess and Her Money

Family, Religion and Money are three things that should not be mixed yet these topics came sliding together Wednesday afternoon. My husband and I's goal this summer has been to get out of debt. We have ultimately given up quite a lot in order too do this. We have a roommate, we eloped and my husband volunteered for deployment. We set goals and are continuously working on managing our money to meet them. We are by no ways in the complete clear but we are one payment away from paying off the first of three credit cards. We can see the finish line and then there is a hurtle.

That hurtle being my sister, who has decided that being a missionary is her calling. She found a trip to Australia to go on. Being the big sister I'm initially supportive until I find out some more details about the goals of the trip. One being to convert the Muslim population who vacation in the Gold Coast area. I was very frank with my sister stating my views on co-existence (which she does not share) and appreciation of multiculturalism along with my core belief that, "there is only one [Universal Power] and [they are powerful] to all: therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equals before [Them]. I've always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic."--Mother Teresa

Besides the religious perspective the last thing I want is for my sister who has a very big heart for Christ to get involved in some Christian fundamentalist cult of conservatism and get hurt on the other side of the world trying to change a peoples' cultural religion. My husband and I agreed that although we didn't agree with this particular mission of this trip we could be supportive of my sister's efforts if that's what the Universal Power wanted for her. We each contributed in our own ways I brought her a $100 backpack to use primarily on the trip and Philip donated about $50, we were both satisfied with that.
Two weeks ago my sister's trip was topic of discussion again, her trip is scheduled for mid-July, as to whether we could afford to make another donation and again the discussion of supporting a mission not in line with our beliefs or values. We decided that at that time we couldn't afford giving a couple hundred dollars with our current budget.

Done deal, right? Wrong! This article is called 'The Goddess and Her Money' for a reason.

Five months ago I was listening to a podcast that really stuck a cord with me. I read about five to six personal finance blogs a day, but this was a podcast about Wicca, that my husband enjoyed and recommended to me. In it Ariel, the host, was going over giving issues over to the Goddess (one of the major aspects of the Universal Power) and doing Her will in the situation. The primary focus was money and how we can give everything else to Her and not the money ones. Then when we get into trouble with money we do all the spells and prays to rectify the situation, it works but then some time passes and we're back in the same situation. Ariel's thoughts were that if we just give it over to Her (conceptualize that any funds we get are to do Her will in the world) then worrying about bills getting paid is like worrying if corn is going to grow; They (all aspects of the Universal Power) will provide.
I had shared this idea with my sister and she concurred that Christians have a similar one, and we then discussed being good Stewards of a Higher Power's finances.

Being a good Steward is not always easy and I have to admit the concept was new too me at the time. I have learned so much about myself and in knowledge just by embracing this concept. It has become a comfort too me esp. in those trying moments of not falling into past behaviors.

In the midst of being in conversation with my husband about how great it feels to accomplish our goal of paying off the credit card. I had stated we should never use the card again. My husband in an effort to be reasonable said it would be good to have in an emergency. My counterpoint is that we should be saving for an emergency fund, by paying ourselves first etc, a credit card is not an emergency cash fund. Hurdle!

My sister calls all frantic and upset that she still needs her ticket for her trip and that the company who acts as her sponsor will only reimburse her, but she needs a credit card to book the flights.
Do we have a credit card? Sort of...
Could we buy her ticket and she'd give us the reimbursement? sort of...

I personally have learned a very hard lesson with credit cards...I'm not successful with them. The ones we have are Philip's.
And too keep the peace in so many ways (it being my sister) He left it up too the Universe to solve and me to handle the light work at the cost of his peace of mind.

I, on the other hand, putting my whole faith in the Universe aside for just a moment, am looking for the blind spot in all this. There had better be some incredibly lost souls in Australia because I don't get it (but who am I to presume to know what the Universe has in store for any of us). Maybe this is how God proves to my sister that I'm right in my core that we must co-exist, how else do you explain the Spiritualist and the Wiccan financing the Christian to share the words of the Christian God to others primarily of the Muslim faith?
But on the money tip, in the best case we smoothly still pay off this credit card by August; in the worst my marriage ends. I can't even fathom that but everyday we make choices and living with the decisions we make is the hardest part which is why I have chosen to put all of this in faith at Her Feet.

Goddess of All,
Divine Creator and Destroyer
I give you the vows of my marriage,
our wallets and our futures
to do Your will in the World
as good stewards and living examples
of the Universal Divine.
Blessed Be.

To Wed or Not to Wed?

I know, I know you say "But You're already married!"
And the marriage started wonderfully! It was genuine, intensely sweet and heartfelt. Committing to my husband in a Midnight ceremony in a 126 year-old park of Atlanta, surrounded by our closest friends (not even family made it and I'll get to that later) and the elements is my fondest memories of our relationship, a dream come true. We then honeymooned in Gatlingsburg, TN. Total we spent maybe $600! Although we eloped we still got gifts from family and had two receptions (FedEx and The Lawson side).
I doubt that Philip gets this reaction but I have had many friends, co-workers, and family approach me with their expectations and opinions of how I went about getting married. I've gotten a spectrum from those who( for whatever reason) felt dejected that I didn't have a 'huge' wedding; some thought I wouldn't have handled planning one well; and then there are those who thought I would've never gotten married unless I was pregnant or dying.

Some of these observations have been correct while other completely unfounded.

I call it a "wedding" meaning A group celebration of our commitment that involves my family as well as Philip's along with close friends. I want a "wedding" and even thought I'm already married because there are pieces of me that feel it's needed. It's probably mostly tied into my family origins. My parents were married in a courthouse ceremony after dating for six months, 23 years later it ended in divorce. There are so many similarities between those events and mine currently that it's frightening. The apple is right under the tree on this one. Not to mention the fact that I was in two beautiful weddings a month apart right before my husband and I started dating seriously, one of them being my Mom's second marriage.
Now of course I realize that my marriage will be totally different from my parents and that's why I think this is an issue for me. I want to make it different in the minds of my family as well.

In dealing with these feelings I have been reading lots of articles online with two primary goals. One) to gather all kinds of different ideas to include in my main event
Two) to really see how the other side of this argument that my actual wedding was just fine because I did have everything We wanted and I needed to be satisfied with it.

The first day was the easy part. I found my old notebook, a spiral section full of my feelings and ideas at the time. The list that follows is a list of everything I had to have in my wedding ceremony to be exactly what I wanted. The next day I'll read all about how this is one of the main things that you need to do to save tons of money on your wedding. Ultimately I was just following Advice I had given myself to my best friend, Jessica, at the beginning of her wedding planning when her mother/wedding financier started to take over aggressively.

CEREMONY:

1. Check to see if Robyn can officiate?
2. Call the elements (earth,air, fire, water)
3. Pass Rings thru guests
4. Recite own vows/poem
5. Exchange rings
6. Tying of the hands
7. Jumping the broom
8. Cake cutting
9. Tossing the bouquet/garter
10. Photos (Ann, Lena's photographer)
11. Signed pictures frame
12. 15 mins couples' private time
13. Reception lunch/dinner

Of these things I got everything too a tee! Lena actually took pictures, but the garter toss and the signed picture frame weren't missed. I also wrote something about the planning of a wedding being the 'training ground' for actual marriage. This idea I mainly got from watching many couples go through the obstacle course of engagement. Exclusively our first year has been challenge enough without the added stress I had previously deemed vital to testing our commitment. At this point I have separated the events; into my ceremony (what already happened) and my reception (that has yet to happen). I was not totally convinced that perusing the 'wedding' issue was unnecessary.

So today was for the second objective. I read many articles from some highly trusted personal finance blogs about the high cost of weddings. The reality is that the average wedding cost $28,000, that's my total student loan debt so there is no way that was coming out of our pockets. My mom had just had her $12,000 wedding and my dad was not in any mood to contribute. If this event was going to happen we are going to be paying for it ourselves. Most of the articles I read had all kinds of suggestions as to how to cut back on the actual cost of the wedding. Things like serving cupcakes instead of a full cake; having your friends provide everything from music to flowers to officiating and skipping all that stuff altogether and eloping.

But the most pervasive was "The $28,000 question: Why are we all hypocrites about weddings?" especially the comments by fellow readers. The article talks about how we as a society don't plan for the biggest expenses in our lives, things like college, weddings, houses, retirement but mainly weddings. It begged the question for me at least, "why did it bug me that I didn't have the huge 'storybook' wedding?

Mainly because that's not Reality!

I think in this case I did get caught up in the mystique of the wedding industry and the Cinderella syndrome (remember she didn't have money either but a fairy god-mother and she married an Actual Prince).

I still want a party but that's just because I like too. I have a very wonderful thing and when I found it (love) and the one who would and does that with me forever (Philip) he and I did not let it get bogged down with the details. As I told Lena right before I got to the ceremony site,
"I've stripped layers off this Type A 'perfectionist attitude' that I've had, who would've thought that I would trust my husband to setup our ceremony? After I loaded the car I let it go and gave him the directions and knew it would work, that is not usually Trina. I'm not even worried and it's okay!"
And the ceremony was, our marriage is and continues to be perfectly fine. More than anything I have been glad to let those restrictive layers go, marrying Philip has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done in my life. Within the whirlwind of our love there are no social expectations to fulfill only ours to ensure each others happiness.

Too this end I have told my husband that I'm glad we didn't spend tons of money. I look at that list and know that our wedding was everything WE wanted. I'm grateful I listened to him when he told me how he felt and that I for the most part don't let my hypocrisy get the best of me.

I will take Ramit's advice on one thing: saving for the future big expenses! It 's a great idea and a realistic one since we all know that life happens. An example would be that miraculously Philip saved his tax return and that took care of most our wedding costs. We got set back a little but not nearly as much if we had taken on a full-year planning production. Even too me after reading this article its not okay to not save money since we know we want to go back to school, travel, buy a house, kids are coming (not now but in the three-to-four-years future), retire and I don't ever want to make a decision during an emergency based on what we can't afford.

Just an Ordinary Day......

Children are interesting creatures. I can say this because I babysit my godson, Render, once a week. On that day like today we go to Gymborree which is an early childhood learning center where you do instructed play with children based on their developmental level.

Which is all fine and good, but it's so competitive well not for the kids but for the parents. It all my Kid can do that or this or did it earlier than average and yours. Today, I was getting sucked in with begin questions like, "how old is he?". What's even scarier is the fact that I have conscious thoughts like "Philip will have trained our kids to get in and out of the car seat by 18 months..." or "naps won't be a problem because we'll have a regimented schedule...." or the scariest too me " I really need to find out what books/ experiments/behavior models Philip read to train Christopher...."

As an educator I should know better!

Besides random thoughts I had a pretty productive day. Got many bills paid; deleted useless software from my computer (yes lime wire is gone); finished part of my craft project; read the first chapter of Druidcraft [which has a pleasant ritual to begins one's journey with along with a home blessing that I would like to use once Philip and I get a new place]; lyra class; watched two movies [The Curse of the Yellow Flower & As You like It from the library]; wrote in this blog and my other.

On a Vegetarian Note:
I was very frustrated today when after my lyra class I was in need of nourishment and was stumped as to where to go for a quick bit. I ended up at Arby's which in my mind until recently was A healthy place to eat. I was grumpy feeling the drop of workout endorphins when I looked at the drive-thru menu and saw only one tiny picture that looked green enough to be a salad. I spent $8.00 on a salad (I got a dollar off for not having the meat) a drink and fries. I realized much too late that I would've gotten a better salad at Souper Salads for the same price.

My resolution is to keep a food journal which is my usual practice in the event I feel gluttonous after the winter holidays. I will have to keep veggie-friendly snacks and water with me until I am able to decide on decent "fast food" options. My hope is that spending time with John and Jekka will rub on me some good habits. And finally as not to beat myself up for falling off the horse I have allowed myself one meal in a full week in which I can eat meat, this is where the food dairy becomes handy.
My goal is to not ever use my four meat meal option but if I do I shall be encouraged by the period at which I didn't eat meat and continue with my lifestyle changes. By the time Philip returns I will have been veggie long enough that its a standing habit and will be cooking veggie meals regularly.

WIP

In To The Woods...

As of late my husband and I have been learning Ogham as a form of divination used by Druids. It has been very interesting learning all the coordinating trees, symbols and meanings. My initial background is Wiccan which I have been for some years now. I practice solitary which is how I like it. I can create my own rituals and doctrine as I need or feel inspired too. Although I am very private about what I practice spiritually I am very comfortable sharing with others my beliefs.
Until Beltane I never really questioned where or how I stood in the Wiccan realm. Alone on a hill with a Tree was a perfectly nice spot.
For Beltane, Philip and I along with my friend Lena, joined a new Druid Order in ritual and celebration. We all had very different reactions to the forces about. For me it was one of the most physically evident rituals I have ever experienced. All previous ones were dreamscapes or the coming together of events and actions that is only possible by Her will denoted to me by intuition.
But something that night called to me. I was very nervous before was we drove to the sanctuary. I could feel myself pulling out of the consciousness that we occupy daily as we go through our routines. Lena was trying to hold a conversation with me about how the past few days had been very rough for her emotionally and romantically, I can admit that only a very small part of me cared I could not map out a spatial reality on which to connect with her issues. My main objective was to get the pie (for fellowship afterward) and get to the church on time.

We got there just in time!

Now I don't know if it was the way the ritual was set or my mindset or it could have been all things finally coming together in time and space but I felt my hands, one individually warm like when you hold them to the fire after coming in from the cold and the other cool as if my hand had just been wet, though it was dry the temperature was the same. At points through the ritual the heat and coolness spread up my arms and I was completely divided and balanced between the two.
Then my visualizations were also very intense and vivid. Rings and columns of red, blue and yellow covering and connecting those in the circle. And once I heard Lena reaction there was a distinct block, like she was not included, I remember everyone in the circle being covered and connected but there was also a feeling of a void to my left, where Lena had been.
She later related that she too had strong feelings of being pushed out and of destruction. It was as clear to her that she shouldn't be there as it was for me to be there. We went outside to the grove and did a ritual for Lena and ultimately I think that why she came with us that night because she recommitted herself to her practice. Being a solitary I can tell you that having a balancing counter part to work with can be so necessary at times. To many often we are left to our own devices as to how to express the God and Goddess and their various forms; the duplicity can be difficult to manage. She too commented on my hands.
I really don't know what the others felt, Philip felt something but didn't really share. I was wrapped in the magnitude of these hands of power and their meaning. Which brings us to the present and the flood of Druidry that lands at my feet. Spiritually the connection to Nature has always played an important role. I try very hard to live my beliefs daily and show them in my actions.
I feel that I have stood on this hill with this great Tree next to me for a long time; it has sheltered and protected me and I cared for it as well. And then I, full maiden, turn around and realize that there is a forest, beautiful and grand, that calls to me to explore it. Currently I am at the treeline playing along the shrubs and bushes as a little girl. The trees tower over me with wisdom, knowledge, and impressive strength. Fear and worry of losing my way and not being able to come back consume me. I hover....

This is a new journey for me. I have no idea what's in store, which is how She works.

Hidden Costs

While my husband is away I'm in charge of Finances. Which isn't hard - I just got to pay all the bills on time. They just happen to be staggered throughout the month. Too me this seems overly complicating- I much rather hand over a chuck of money at one time then to be constantly passing it around. But that's not how bill collecting works (Se la vie). In preparation of 'bill-pay Monday' I put on paper a profit/loss statement for our budget. Every month a fidget with the numbers to see if I can cut cost some where in our budget.

In a month $3290 goes through our bank account and $2349 of that goes to all the little companies ($359 of that are minimum payments to school loans and credit cards the other $1990 are bare necessities not including food and gas but more on that later) leaving us with a resounding $941 "profit".

WHAT!!!!!

There is no way I'm spend $941 outside our budget! Not to say we're broke but we have not carried that high a balance as of yet. So what's going on? Part of it does go to food and gas. IN the month of May for Gas alone I spent $113.63. Food is a whole other story. In May I didn't buy groceries, I ate dinner out instead of cooking, $488.10! Please understand that includes buying dinner for both my husband and I, my sister and his Aunt and cousin on various occasions.

That's still only $601.73 for food and gas, I am going to have to re-think that segment of our budget. $200 was our goal but we tripled that, I think $300 ($ 120 for gas and $180 for food, respectively) is more reasonable and should be plenty for just myself while the Hubbie is away.

Now, the other part are us buying personal hygiene products, gardening supplies, gifts, an oil change, and a dentist visit. So cutting back on all these things could potentially actually put $300 in our hands-- good to know. I haven't brought fast food since school got out and I brought enough groceries to last me the rest of this month. So this shouldn't be too difficult since most of this purchases were one time buys or only happen every couple of months like the gifts, a oil change and dentist visit.

I think I set my savings goals way too high. Initially I wanted to have all our bills paid and the credit cards paid off completely by August. So then we would only have to focus on making regular payments for our cars and my student loans, saving all that we had been putting toward the now paid off credit cards into a high interest saving account for a house down payment. Our income would increase since I would have my teaching certificate and by November we could move to a smaller place for just the two of us. I'm realizing that in order to keep everything paid and current (no late payments) I have just enough to work with if I'm willing to put all that potentially $900 toward one credit card at a time. That would make for a very uneventful summer and me going stir-crazy in boredom.

Philip did point out that I could be working to help supplement our income over the summer, but the idea of joining the retail rat race again is just unappealing to me personally. I did apply for some teaching positions for summer programs, but nothing really developed. I am looking into doing some craft projects that lets me be artistically expressive and turn a profit. I even found a site that lets you sell your wares over the Internet. The question: What exactly would be my ware?

The other thing is saving money while paying all the debt off. Both of us set money aside, but then something comes up like a larger bill than expected, a traffic ticket from 5 years ago or registration fees for test taking and it's gone. Now originally that not what we purposed the funds for but it was nice to have that extra bit to take care of it and then we're back to zero or close to it. Shouldn't we be putting everything we can toward the debt to be rid of it sooner? And why are we spending our savings if we're putting it away? We have yet to work out the concept of an emergency fund and what constitutes an emergency.

All of these options have their hidden costs of time, money, experience, self-restraint/willpower and positive results.

WIP