Inner Voice vs. Ego

My ego has been picking at me all week, its been just a chatter box. I have done my mediation to tune this noise out but it has become quite distracting as of late. I have my objective and I can see the obstacles. Part of me thinks that if I try and do all the other things I want to do then I'll finally get some peace and quiet in my head to do the  things I know I need to do. It seems very backwards and at this point I'm so caught up in this arguememt with my ego that that the very same ego is fearful I won't get any of it done, as in I'll just avoid it all. After being woken up by this chattering this morning I have come to my mediation room for grounding and to gain perspective. So if I babble on it's just me working it out.

My wants:
1- to make a hospital gown for Jessica it will take 6 hours and I want it done before she goes into major labor which could be anytime between now and March first. This 'deadline' makes it feel urgent, and the disapointment of not getting it done in time because of my own procrastination aplifies and is irking me.

The next thing is doing sweet stuff for Philip. Since February 1st it has been my goal to better demonstrate my love and respect for him. It has been a challenge and I do falter sometimes. All last week I've been posting messages on his door and making little things. Well this Tuesday is craft day and I want to make an anniversary card for him. But I also have a list of stuff that I want to make both editable and crafty projects that it feels like if I don't sew and bake them today I won't have the time to present them.

I got to get it all done so then I can study because my test is next week. I just want it all out of the way so I can focus deeply. All this other stuff keeps pulling me out of my mind set. Then there is all the cleaning and clearing out that has to be done before any of the craft or baking can begin.

Here's the list-
Clear off the desk
File papers
Set up sewing machine
Clear table for cutting fabrics
Post three hearts on Philip's door
Make nutella pop tarts
Make red velvet cupcakes
Prep smoothies for the week
Prep dinner/lunches for the week
Cut hospital gown pattern
Sew hospital gown
Cut bag pattern
Sew bag
Start mediation book
Meet Lauren for coffee
Finish coloring card
Practice/ prep Tuesday's craft
Study!!!

I accept that my life will be high energy from this moment on. I accept that not every thing I want done will be done when and at the time that I feel it needs to be done. Ulitmately, I have the power of the universe supporting me so it is possible through my  focusing all this energy toward these goals they will be accomplished.

Thanks Inner Voice I needed to hear the above.

Children?

"Are your Pregnant?" this is what my Mom asked me when I told her that my boyfriend of three months and I were discussing marriage. This at least to me seems to be the primary conclusion that people jump too when you do marry quickly. Most people don't voice such a conclusion but then she is my mother.
Being newly married this is the next question, "Are you going to have kids?"' wink, wink, nudge, nudge.' Besides being incredibly embarrassed that other random people such as my boss, colleagues and the lunch lady make statements on your sex life, to me it makes a statement of our social models and standards. Now that it is socially acceptable to have sex I should immediately be knocked up as well. 'First comes love, then comes marriage, 2 seconds later I have a baby carriage? WTF?

We did, my husband and I, discuss having children. It was mostly deciding on a time on which to pursue the subject further. We thought that 2013 would be a good year to start baby making if the world doesn't end. Hey, it worked for us with Obama.

It's the science of it that is daunting. On the male side there is this impression that sperm will always work forever. But on the female side there's a finite number of eggs and years compounded by risk. Yesterday, I got July's Marie Claire and it was full of articles about getting pregnant with titles like ' How to Have a Baby and Keep your Man'; '10 Things to Ask your Doctor About IVF' and 'The New High Tech Pregnancy.' Knowing that their stats are skewed and not exactly correct still does not help the quiver at the bottom of my stomach.

Then there's the birth control issue. I'm personally tired of myself going through the 'hormonal crazies' every month. These last couple ones without it have been a recurring "preggers" scare nightmare. Knowing myself, I'm too neurotic to play it cool. From past experience, I'm not one to suffer from the usual symptoms of pregnancy and I'm irregular. Anything slightly off when I finally do have my period sends a warning that it could be any other disorder or disease women in my family have suffered from besides a baby as well. I realized this morning that I have to stay healthy "baby ready" even if we don't have kids for the next ten years. I'm making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow!

I have friends that have newborns and toddlers and then some that are still dating and club-hopping. It's hard to know where to fit. My one friend who has the most similar situation to mine lives 60 miles away and goes to boot camp this summer. Logically, I should make new friends, but I really don't want too I have enough as it is. I can admit that I like children and I want them eventually even spontaneously when I'm ready. However that's the true question: When will I be ready? How will I know I am? Was I ready before and missed my chance?

My husband probably thinks that children will just come along when you have reach that level for such a spiritual challenge. But I work everyday with the results of unplanned pregnancy, the condom breaks, and when the risks win. I have issues about being caught unprepared. Ultimately I know this is one of those things I should entrust in the Goddess about. Yet I feel that just as she brought Philip and I together in a whirled wind she could very well do the same with our reproductive systems.

Work-in-progress