Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Goddess and Her Money
Family, Religion and Money are three things that should not be mixed yet these topics came sliding together Wednesday afternoon. My husband and I's goal this summer has been to get out of debt. We have ultimately given up quite a lot in order too do this. We have a roommate, we eloped and my husband volunteered for deployment. We set goals and are continuously working on managing our money to meet them. We are by no ways in the complete clear but we are one payment away from paying off the first of three credit cards. We can see the finish line and then there is a hurtle.
That hurtle being my sister, who has decided that being a missionary is her calling. She found a trip to Australia to go on. Being the big sister I'm initially supportive until I find out some more details about the goals of the trip. One being to convert the Muslim population who vacation in the Gold Coast area. I was very frank with my sister stating my views on co-existence (which she does not share) and appreciation of multiculturalism along with my core belief that, "there is only one [Universal Power] and [they are powerful] to all: therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equals before [Them]. I've always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic."--Mother Teresa
Besides the religious perspective the last thing I want is for my sister who has a very big heart for Christ to get involved in some Christian fundamentalist cult of conservatism and get hurt on the other side of the world trying to change a peoples' cultural religion. My husband and I agreed that although we didn't agree with this particular mission of this trip we could be supportive of my sister's efforts if that's what the Universal Power wanted for her. We each contributed in our own ways I brought her a $100 backpack to use primarily on the trip and Philip donated about $50, we were both satisfied with that.
Two weeks ago my sister's trip was topic of discussion again, her trip is scheduled for mid-July, as to whether we could afford to make another donation and again the discussion of supporting a mission not in line with our beliefs or values. We decided that at that time we couldn't afford giving a couple hundred dollars with our current budget.
Done deal, right? Wrong! This article is called 'The Goddess and Her Money' for a reason.
Five months ago I was listening to a podcast that really stuck a cord with me. I read about five to six personal finance blogs a day, but this was a podcast about Wicca, that my husband enjoyed and recommended to me. In it Ariel, the host, was going over giving issues over to the Goddess (one of the major aspects of the Universal Power) and doing Her will in the situation. The primary focus was money and how we can give everything else to Her and not the money ones. Then when we get into trouble with money we do all the spells and prays to rectify the situation, it works but then some time passes and we're back in the same situation. Ariel's thoughts were that if we just give it over to Her (conceptualize that any funds we get are to do Her will in the world) then worrying about bills getting paid is like worrying if corn is going to grow; They (all aspects of the Universal Power) will provide.
I had shared this idea with my sister and she concurred that Christians have a similar one, and we then discussed being good Stewards of a Higher Power's finances.
Being a good Steward is not always easy and I have to admit the concept was new too me at the time. I have learned so much about myself and in knowledge just by embracing this concept. It has become a comfort too me esp. in those trying moments of not falling into past behaviors.
In the midst of being in conversation with my husband about how great it feels to accomplish our goal of paying off the credit card. I had stated we should never use the card again. My husband in an effort to be reasonable said it would be good to have in an emergency. My counterpoint is that we should be saving for an emergency fund, by paying ourselves first etc, a credit card is not an emergency cash fund. Hurdle!
My sister calls all frantic and upset that she still needs her ticket for her trip and that the company who acts as her sponsor will only reimburse her, but she needs a credit card to book the flights.
Do we have a credit card? Sort of...
Could we buy her ticket and she'd give us the reimbursement? sort of...
I personally have learned a very hard lesson with credit cards...I'm not successful with them. The ones we have are Philip's.
And too keep the peace in so many ways (it being my sister) He left it up too the Universe to solve and me to handle the light work at the cost of his peace of mind.
I, on the other hand, putting my whole faith in the Universe aside for just a moment, am looking for the blind spot in all this. There had better be some incredibly lost souls in Australia because I don't get it (but who am I to presume to know what the Universe has in store for any of us). Maybe this is how God proves to my sister that I'm right in my core that we must co-exist, how else do you explain the Spiritualist and the Wiccan financing the Christian to share the words of the Christian God to others primarily of the Muslim faith?
But on the money tip, in the best case we smoothly still pay off this credit card by August; in the worst my marriage ends. I can't even fathom that but everyday we make choices and living with the decisions we make is the hardest part which is why I have chosen to put all of this in faith at Her Feet.
Goddess of All,
Divine Creator and Destroyer
I give you the vows of my marriage,
our wallets and our futures
to do Your will in the World
as good stewards and living examples
of the Universal Divine.
Blessed Be.
That hurtle being my sister, who has decided that being a missionary is her calling. She found a trip to Australia to go on. Being the big sister I'm initially supportive until I find out some more details about the goals of the trip. One being to convert the Muslim population who vacation in the Gold Coast area. I was very frank with my sister stating my views on co-existence (which she does not share) and appreciation of multiculturalism along with my core belief that, "there is only one [Universal Power] and [they are powerful] to all: therefore it is important that everyone is seen as equals before [Them]. I've always said we should help a Hindu become a better Hindu, a Muslim become a better Muslim, a Catholic become a better Catholic."--Mother Teresa
Besides the religious perspective the last thing I want is for my sister who has a very big heart for Christ to get involved in some Christian fundamentalist cult of conservatism and get hurt on the other side of the world trying to change a peoples' cultural religion. My husband and I agreed that although we didn't agree with this particular mission of this trip we could be supportive of my sister's efforts if that's what the Universal Power wanted for her. We each contributed in our own ways I brought her a $100 backpack to use primarily on the trip and Philip donated about $50, we were both satisfied with that.
Two weeks ago my sister's trip was topic of discussion again, her trip is scheduled for mid-July, as to whether we could afford to make another donation and again the discussion of supporting a mission not in line with our beliefs or values. We decided that at that time we couldn't afford giving a couple hundred dollars with our current budget.
Done deal, right? Wrong! This article is called 'The Goddess and Her Money' for a reason.
Five months ago I was listening to a podcast that really stuck a cord with me. I read about five to six personal finance blogs a day, but this was a podcast about Wicca, that my husband enjoyed and recommended to me. In it Ariel, the host, was going over giving issues over to the Goddess (one of the major aspects of the Universal Power) and doing Her will in the situation. The primary focus was money and how we can give everything else to Her and not the money ones. Then when we get into trouble with money we do all the spells and prays to rectify the situation, it works but then some time passes and we're back in the same situation. Ariel's thoughts were that if we just give it over to Her (conceptualize that any funds we get are to do Her will in the world) then worrying about bills getting paid is like worrying if corn is going to grow; They (all aspects of the Universal Power) will provide.
I had shared this idea with my sister and she concurred that Christians have a similar one, and we then discussed being good Stewards of a Higher Power's finances.
Being a good Steward is not always easy and I have to admit the concept was new too me at the time. I have learned so much about myself and in knowledge just by embracing this concept. It has become a comfort too me esp. in those trying moments of not falling into past behaviors.
In the midst of being in conversation with my husband about how great it feels to accomplish our goal of paying off the credit card. I had stated we should never use the card again. My husband in an effort to be reasonable said it would be good to have in an emergency. My counterpoint is that we should be saving for an emergency fund, by paying ourselves first etc, a credit card is not an emergency cash fund. Hurdle!
My sister calls all frantic and upset that she still needs her ticket for her trip and that the company who acts as her sponsor will only reimburse her, but she needs a credit card to book the flights.
Do we have a credit card? Sort of...
Could we buy her ticket and she'd give us the reimbursement? sort of...
I personally have learned a very hard lesson with credit cards...I'm not successful with them. The ones we have are Philip's.
And too keep the peace in so many ways (it being my sister) He left it up too the Universe to solve and me to handle the light work at the cost of his peace of mind.
I, on the other hand, putting my whole faith in the Universe aside for just a moment, am looking for the blind spot in all this. There had better be some incredibly lost souls in Australia because I don't get it (but who am I to presume to know what the Universe has in store for any of us). Maybe this is how God proves to my sister that I'm right in my core that we must co-exist, how else do you explain the Spiritualist and the Wiccan financing the Christian to share the words of the Christian God to others primarily of the Muslim faith?
But on the money tip, in the best case we smoothly still pay off this credit card by August; in the worst my marriage ends. I can't even fathom that but everyday we make choices and living with the decisions we make is the hardest part which is why I have chosen to put all of this in faith at Her Feet.
Goddess of All,
Divine Creator and Destroyer
I give you the vows of my marriage,
our wallets and our futures
to do Your will in the World
as good stewards and living examples
of the Universal Divine.
Blessed Be.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
To Wed or Not to Wed?
I know, I know you say "But You're already married!"
And the marriage started wonderfully! It was genuine, intensely sweet and heartfelt. Committing to my husband in a Midnight ceremony in a 126 year-old park of Atlanta, surrounded by our closest friends (not even family made it and I'll get to that later) and the elements is my fondest memories of our relationship, a dream come true. We then honeymooned in Gatlingsburg, TN. Total we spent maybe $600! Although we eloped we still got gifts from family and had two receptions (FedEx and The Lawson side).
I doubt that Philip gets this reaction but I have had many friends, co-workers, and family approach me with their expectations and opinions of how I went about getting married. I've gotten a spectrum from those who( for whatever reason) felt dejected that I didn't have a 'huge' wedding; some thought I wouldn't have handled planning one well; and then there are those who thought I would've never gotten married unless I was pregnant or dying.
Some of these observations have been correct while other completely unfounded.
I call it a "wedding" meaning A group celebration of our commitment that involves my family as well as Philip's along with close friends. I want a "wedding" and even thought I'm already married because there are pieces of me that feel it's needed. It's probably mostly tied into my family origins. My parents were married in a courthouse ceremony after dating for six months, 23 years later it ended in divorce. There are so many similarities between those events and mine currently that it's frightening. The apple is right under the tree on this one. Not to mention the fact that I was in two beautiful weddings a month apart right before my husband and I started dating seriously, one of them being my Mom's second marriage.
Now of course I realize that my marriage will be totally different from my parents and that's why I think this is an issue for me. I want to make it different in the minds of my family as well.
In dealing with these feelings I have been reading lots of articles online with two primary goals. One) to gather all kinds of different ideas to include in my main event
Two) to really see how the other side of this argument that my actual wedding was just fine because I did have everything We wanted and I needed to be satisfied with it.
The first day was the easy part. I found my old notebook, a spiral section full of my feelings and ideas at the time. The list that follows is a list of everything I had to have in my wedding ceremony to be exactly what I wanted. The next day I'll read all about how this is one of the main things that you need to do to save tons of money on your wedding. Ultimately I was just following Advice I had given myself to my best friend, Jessica, at the beginning of her wedding planning when her mother/wedding financier started to take over aggressively.
CEREMONY:
So today was for the second objective. I read many articles from some highly trusted personal finance blogs about the high cost of weddings. The reality is that the average wedding cost $28,000, that's my total student loan debt so there is no way that was coming out of our pockets. My mom had just had her $12,000 wedding and my dad was not in any mood to contribute. If this event was going to happen we are going to be paying for it ourselves. Most of the articles I read had all kinds of suggestions as to how to cut back on the actual cost of the wedding. Things like serving cupcakes instead of a full cake; having your friends provide everything from music to flowers to officiating and skipping all that stuff altogether and eloping.
But the most pervasive was "The $28,000 question: Why are we all hypocrites about weddings?" especially the comments by fellow readers. The article talks about how we as a society don't plan for the biggest expenses in our lives, things like college, weddings, houses, retirement but mainly weddings. It begged the question for me at least, "why did it bug me that I didn't have the huge 'storybook' wedding?
Mainly because that's not Reality!
I think in this case I did get caught up in the mystique of the wedding industry and the Cinderella syndrome (remember she didn't have money either but a fairy god-mother and she married an Actual Prince).
I still want a party but that's just because I like too. I have a very wonderful thing and when I found it (love) and the one who would and does that with me forever (Philip) he and I did not let it get bogged down with the details. As I told Lena right before I got to the ceremony site,
"I've stripped layers off this Type A 'perfectionist attitude' that I've had, who would've thought that I would trust my husband to setup our ceremony? After I loaded the car I let it go and gave him the directions and knew it would work, that is not usually Trina. I'm not even worried and it's okay!"
And the ceremony was, our marriage is and continues to be perfectly fine. More than anything I have been glad to let those restrictive layers go, marrying Philip has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done in my life. Within the whirlwind of our love there are no social expectations to fulfill only ours to ensure each others happiness.
Too this end I have told my husband that I'm glad we didn't spend tons of money. I look at that list and know that our wedding was everything WE wanted. I'm grateful I listened to him when he told me how he felt and that I for the most part don't let my hypocrisy get the best of me.
I will take Ramit's advice on one thing: saving for the future big expenses! It 's a great idea and a realistic one since we all know that life happens. An example would be that miraculously Philip saved his tax return and that took care of most our wedding costs. We got set back a little but not nearly as much if we had taken on a full-year planning production. Even too me after reading this article its not okay to not save money since we know we want to go back to school, travel, buy a house, kids are coming (not now but in the three-to-four-years future), retire and I don't ever want to make a decision during an emergency based on what we can't afford.
And the marriage started wonderfully! It was genuine, intensely sweet and heartfelt. Committing to my husband in a Midnight ceremony in a 126 year-old park of Atlanta, surrounded by our closest friends (not even family made it and I'll get to that later) and the elements is my fondest memories of our relationship, a dream come true. We then honeymooned in Gatlingsburg, TN. Total we spent maybe $600! Although we eloped we still got gifts from family and had two receptions (FedEx and The Lawson side).
I doubt that Philip gets this reaction but I have had many friends, co-workers, and family approach me with their expectations and opinions of how I went about getting married. I've gotten a spectrum from those who( for whatever reason) felt dejected that I didn't have a 'huge' wedding; some thought I wouldn't have handled planning one well; and then there are those who thought I would've never gotten married unless I was pregnant or dying.
Some of these observations have been correct while other completely unfounded.
I call it a "wedding" meaning A group celebration of our commitment that involves my family as well as Philip's along with close friends. I want a "wedding" and even thought I'm already married because there are pieces of me that feel it's needed. It's probably mostly tied into my family origins. My parents were married in a courthouse ceremony after dating for six months, 23 years later it ended in divorce. There are so many similarities between those events and mine currently that it's frightening. The apple is right under the tree on this one. Not to mention the fact that I was in two beautiful weddings a month apart right before my husband and I started dating seriously, one of them being my Mom's second marriage.
Now of course I realize that my marriage will be totally different from my parents and that's why I think this is an issue for me. I want to make it different in the minds of my family as well.
In dealing with these feelings I have been reading lots of articles online with two primary goals. One) to gather all kinds of different ideas to include in my main event
Two) to really see how the other side of this argument that my actual wedding was just fine because I did have everything We wanted and I needed to be satisfied with it.
The first day was the easy part. I found my old notebook, a spiral section full of my feelings and ideas at the time. The list that follows is a list of everything I had to have in my wedding ceremony to be exactly what I wanted. The next day I'll read all about how this is one of the main things that you need to do to save tons of money on your wedding. Ultimately I was just following Advice I had given myself to my best friend, Jessica, at the beginning of her wedding planning when her mother/wedding financier started to take over aggressively.
CEREMONY:
- Check to see if Robyn can officiate?
- Call the elements (earth,air, fire, water)
- Pass Rings thru guests
- Recite own vows/poem
- Exchange rings
- Tying of the hands
- Jumping the broom
- Cake cutting
- Tossing the bouquet/garter
- Photos (Ann, Lena's photographer)
- Signed pictures frame
- 15 mins couples' private time
- Reception lunch/dinner
So today was for the second objective. I read many articles from some highly trusted personal finance blogs about the high cost of weddings. The reality is that the average wedding cost $28,000, that's my total student loan debt so there is no way that was coming out of our pockets. My mom had just had her $12,000 wedding and my dad was not in any mood to contribute. If this event was going to happen we are going to be paying for it ourselves. Most of the articles I read had all kinds of suggestions as to how to cut back on the actual cost of the wedding. Things like serving cupcakes instead of a full cake; having your friends provide everything from music to flowers to officiating and skipping all that stuff altogether and eloping.
But the most pervasive was "The $28,000 question: Why are we all hypocrites about weddings?" especially the comments by fellow readers. The article talks about how we as a society don't plan for the biggest expenses in our lives, things like college, weddings, houses, retirement but mainly weddings. It begged the question for me at least, "why did it bug me that I didn't have the huge 'storybook' wedding?
Mainly because that's not Reality!
I think in this case I did get caught up in the mystique of the wedding industry and the Cinderella syndrome (remember she didn't have money either but a fairy god-mother and she married an Actual Prince).
I still want a party but that's just because I like too. I have a very wonderful thing and when I found it (love) and the one who would and does that with me forever (Philip) he and I did not let it get bogged down with the details. As I told Lena right before I got to the ceremony site,
"I've stripped layers off this Type A 'perfectionist attitude' that I've had, who would've thought that I would trust my husband to setup our ceremony? After I loaded the car I let it go and gave him the directions and knew it would work, that is not usually Trina. I'm not even worried and it's okay!"
And the ceremony was, our marriage is and continues to be perfectly fine. More than anything I have been glad to let those restrictive layers go, marrying Philip has been one of the most liberating things I've ever done in my life. Within the whirlwind of our love there are no social expectations to fulfill only ours to ensure each others happiness.
Too this end I have told my husband that I'm glad we didn't spend tons of money. I look at that list and know that our wedding was everything WE wanted. I'm grateful I listened to him when he told me how he felt and that I for the most part don't let my hypocrisy get the best of me.
I will take Ramit's advice on one thing: saving for the future big expenses! It 's a great idea and a realistic one since we all know that life happens. An example would be that miraculously Philip saved his tax return and that took care of most our wedding costs. We got set back a little but not nearly as much if we had taken on a full-year planning production. Even too me after reading this article its not okay to not save money since we know we want to go back to school, travel, buy a house, kids are coming (not now but in the three-to-four-years future), retire and I don't ever want to make a decision during an emergency based on what we can't afford.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Just an Ordinary Day......
Children are interesting creatures. I can say this because I babysit my godson, Render, once a week. On that day like today we go to Gymborree which is an early childhood learning center where you do instructed play with children based on their developmental level.
Which is all fine and good, but it's so competitive well not for the kids but for the parents. It all my Kid can do that or this or did it earlier than average and yours. Today, I was getting sucked in with begin questions like, "how old is he?". What's even scarier is the fact that I have conscious thoughts like "Philip will have trained our kids to get in and out of the car seat by 18 months..." or "naps won't be a problem because we'll have a regimented schedule...." or the scariest too me " I really need to find out what books/ experiments/behavior models Philip read to train Christopher...."
As an educator I should know better!
Besides random thoughts I had a pretty productive day. Got many bills paid; deleted useless software from my computer (yes lime wire is gone); finished part of my craft project; read the first chapter of Druidcraft [which has a pleasant ritual to begins one's journey with along with a home blessing that I would like to use once Philip and I get a new place]; lyra class; watched two movies [The Curse of the Yellow Flower & As You like It from the library]; wrote in this blog and my other.
On a Vegetarian Note:
I was very frustrated today when after my lyra class I was in need of nourishment and was stumped as to where to go for a quick bit. I ended up at Arby's which in my mind until recently was A healthy place to eat. I was grumpy feeling the drop of workout endorphins when I looked at the drive-thru menu and saw only one tiny picture that looked green enough to be a salad. I spent $8.00 on a salad (I got a dollar off for not having the meat) a drink and fries. I realized much too late that I would've gotten a better salad at Souper Salads for the same price.
My resolution is to keep a food journal which is my usual practice in the event I feel gluttonous after the winter holidays. I will have to keep veggie-friendly snacks and water with me until I am able to decide on decent "fast food" options. My hope is that spending time with John and Jekka will rub on me some good habits. And finally as not to beat myself up for falling off the horse I have allowed myself one meal in a full week in which I can eat meat, this is where the food dairy becomes handy.
My goal is to not ever use my four meat meal option but if I do I shall be encouraged by the period at which I didn't eat meat and continue with my lifestyle changes. By the time Philip returns I will have been veggie long enough that its a standing habit and will be cooking veggie meals regularly.
WIP
Which is all fine and good, but it's so competitive well not for the kids but for the parents. It all my Kid can do that or this or did it earlier than average and yours. Today, I was getting sucked in with begin questions like, "how old is he?". What's even scarier is the fact that I have conscious thoughts like "Philip will have trained our kids to get in and out of the car seat by 18 months..." or "naps won't be a problem because we'll have a regimented schedule...." or the scariest too me " I really need to find out what books/ experiments/behavior models Philip read to train Christopher...."
As an educator I should know better!
Besides random thoughts I had a pretty productive day. Got many bills paid; deleted useless software from my computer (yes lime wire is gone); finished part of my craft project; read the first chapter of Druidcraft [which has a pleasant ritual to begins one's journey with along with a home blessing that I would like to use once Philip and I get a new place]; lyra class; watched two movies [The Curse of the Yellow Flower & As You like It from the library]; wrote in this blog and my other.
On a Vegetarian Note:
I was very frustrated today when after my lyra class I was in need of nourishment and was stumped as to where to go for a quick bit. I ended up at Arby's which in my mind until recently was A healthy place to eat. I was grumpy feeling the drop of workout endorphins when I looked at the drive-thru menu and saw only one tiny picture that looked green enough to be a salad. I spent $8.00 on a salad (I got a dollar off for not having the meat) a drink and fries. I realized much too late that I would've gotten a better salad at Souper Salads for the same price.
My resolution is to keep a food journal which is my usual practice in the event I feel gluttonous after the winter holidays. I will have to keep veggie-friendly snacks and water with me until I am able to decide on decent "fast food" options. My hope is that spending time with John and Jekka will rub on me some good habits. And finally as not to beat myself up for falling off the horse I have allowed myself one meal in a full week in which I can eat meat, this is where the food dairy becomes handy.
My goal is to not ever use my four meat meal option but if I do I shall be encouraged by the period at which I didn't eat meat and continue with my lifestyle changes. By the time Philip returns I will have been veggie long enough that its a standing habit and will be cooking veggie meals regularly.
WIP
Saturday, June 13, 2009
In To The Woods...
As of late my husband and I have been learning Ogham as a form of divination used by Druids. It has been very interesting learning all the coordinating trees, symbols and meanings. My initial background is Wiccan which I have been for some years now. I practice solitary which is how I like it. I can create my own rituals and doctrine as I need or feel inspired too. Although I am very private about what I practice spiritually I am very comfortable sharing with others my beliefs.
Until Beltane I never really questioned where or how I stood in the Wiccan realm. Alone on a hill with a Tree was a perfectly nice spot.
For Beltane, Philip and I along with my friend Lena, joined a new Druid Order in ritual and celebration. We all had very different reactions to the forces about. For me it was one of the most physically evident rituals I have ever experienced. All previous ones were dreamscapes or the coming together of events and actions that is only possible by Her will denoted to me by intuition.
But something that night called to me. I was very nervous before was we drove to the sanctuary. I could feel myself pulling out of the consciousness that we occupy daily as we go through our routines. Lena was trying to hold a conversation with me about how the past few days had been very rough for her emotionally and romantically, I can admit that only a very small part of me cared I could not map out a spatial reality on which to connect with her issues. My main objective was to get the pie (for fellowship afterward) and get to the church on time.
We got there just in time!
Now I don't know if it was the way the ritual was set or my mindset or it could have been all things finally coming together in time and space but I felt my hands, one individually warm like when you hold them to the fire after coming in from the cold and the other cool as if my hand had just been wet, though it was dry the temperature was the same. At points through the ritual the heat and coolness spread up my arms and I was completely divided and balanced between the two.
Then my visualizations were also very intense and vivid. Rings and columns of red, blue and yellow covering and connecting those in the circle. And once I heard Lena reaction there was a distinct block, like she was not included, I remember everyone in the circle being covered and connected but there was also a feeling of a void to my left, where Lena had been.
She later related that she too had strong feelings of being pushed out and of destruction. It was as clear to her that she shouldn't be there as it was for me to be there. We went outside to the grove and did a ritual for Lena and ultimately I think that why she came with us that night because she recommitted herself to her practice. Being a solitary I can tell you that having a balancing counter part to work with can be so necessary at times. To many often we are left to our own devices as to how to express the God and Goddess and their various forms; the duplicity can be difficult to manage. She too commented on my hands.
I really don't know what the others felt, Philip felt something but didn't really share. I was wrapped in the magnitude of these hands of power and their meaning. Which brings us to the present and the flood of Druidry that lands at my feet. Spiritually the connection to Nature has always played an important role. I try very hard to live my beliefs daily and show them in my actions.
I feel that I have stood on this hill with this great Tree next to me for a long time; it has sheltered and protected me and I cared for it as well. And then I, full maiden, turn around and realize that there is a forest, beautiful and grand, that calls to me to explore it. Currently I am at the treeline playing along the shrubs and bushes as a little girl. The trees tower over me with wisdom, knowledge, and impressive strength. Fear and worry of losing my way and not being able to come back consume me. I hover....
This is a new journey for me. I have no idea what's in store, which is how She works.
Until Beltane I never really questioned where or how I stood in the Wiccan realm. Alone on a hill with a Tree was a perfectly nice spot.
For Beltane, Philip and I along with my friend Lena, joined a new Druid Order in ritual and celebration. We all had very different reactions to the forces about. For me it was one of the most physically evident rituals I have ever experienced. All previous ones were dreamscapes or the coming together of events and actions that is only possible by Her will denoted to me by intuition.
But something that night called to me. I was very nervous before was we drove to the sanctuary. I could feel myself pulling out of the consciousness that we occupy daily as we go through our routines. Lena was trying to hold a conversation with me about how the past few days had been very rough for her emotionally and romantically, I can admit that only a very small part of me cared I could not map out a spatial reality on which to connect with her issues. My main objective was to get the pie (for fellowship afterward) and get to the church on time.
We got there just in time!
Now I don't know if it was the way the ritual was set or my mindset or it could have been all things finally coming together in time and space but I felt my hands, one individually warm like when you hold them to the fire after coming in from the cold and the other cool as if my hand had just been wet, though it was dry the temperature was the same. At points through the ritual the heat and coolness spread up my arms and I was completely divided and balanced between the two.
Then my visualizations were also very intense and vivid. Rings and columns of red, blue and yellow covering and connecting those in the circle. And once I heard Lena reaction there was a distinct block, like she was not included, I remember everyone in the circle being covered and connected but there was also a feeling of a void to my left, where Lena had been.
She later related that she too had strong feelings of being pushed out and of destruction. It was as clear to her that she shouldn't be there as it was for me to be there. We went outside to the grove and did a ritual for Lena and ultimately I think that why she came with us that night because she recommitted herself to her practice. Being a solitary I can tell you that having a balancing counter part to work with can be so necessary at times. To many often we are left to our own devices as to how to express the God and Goddess and their various forms; the duplicity can be difficult to manage. She too commented on my hands.
I really don't know what the others felt, Philip felt something but didn't really share. I was wrapped in the magnitude of these hands of power and their meaning. Which brings us to the present and the flood of Druidry that lands at my feet. Spiritually the connection to Nature has always played an important role. I try very hard to live my beliefs daily and show them in my actions.
I feel that I have stood on this hill with this great Tree next to me for a long time; it has sheltered and protected me and I cared for it as well. And then I, full maiden, turn around and realize that there is a forest, beautiful and grand, that calls to me to explore it. Currently I am at the treeline playing along the shrubs and bushes as a little girl. The trees tower over me with wisdom, knowledge, and impressive strength. Fear and worry of losing my way and not being able to come back consume me. I hover....
This is a new journey for me. I have no idea what's in store, which is how She works.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Hidden Costs
While my husband is away I'm in charge of Finances. Which isn't hard - I just got to pay all the bills on time. They just happen to be staggered throughout the month. Too me this seems overly complicating- I much rather hand over a chuck of money at one time then to be constantly passing it around. But that's not how bill collecting works (Se la vie). In preparation of 'bill-pay Monday' I put on paper a profit/loss statement for our budget. Every month a fidget with the numbers to see if I can cut cost some where in our budget.
In a month $3290 goes through our bank account and $2349 of that goes to all the little companies ($359 of that are minimum payments to school loans and credit cards the other $1990 are bare necessities not including food and gas but more on that later) leaving us with a resounding $941 "profit".
WHAT!!!!!
There is no way I'm spend $941 outside our budget! Not to say we're broke but we have not carried that high a balance as of yet. So what's going on? Part of it does go to food and gas. IN the month of May for Gas alone I spent $113.63. Food is a whole other story. In May I didn't buy groceries, I ate dinner out instead of cooking, $488.10! Please understand that includes buying dinner for both my husband and I, my sister and his Aunt and cousin on various occasions.
That's still only $601.73 for food and gas, I am going to have to re-think that segment of our budget. $200 was our goal but we tripled that, I think $300 ($ 120 for gas and $180 for food, respectively) is more reasonable and should be plenty for just myself while the Hubbie is away.
Now, the other part are us buying personal hygiene products, gardening supplies, gifts, an oil change, and a dentist visit. So cutting back on all these things could potentially actually put $300 in our hands-- good to know. I haven't brought fast food since school got out and I brought enough groceries to last me the rest of this month. So this shouldn't be too difficult since most of this purchases were one time buys or only happen every couple of months like the gifts, a oil change and dentist visit.
I think I set my savings goals way too high. Initially I wanted to have all our bills paid and the credit cards paid off completely by August. So then we would only have to focus on making regular payments for our cars and my student loans, saving all that we had been putting toward the now paid off credit cards into a high interest saving account for a house down payment. Our income would increase since I would have my teaching certificate and by November we could move to a smaller place for just the two of us. I'm realizing that in order to keep everything paid and current (no late payments) I have just enough to work with if I'm willing to put all that potentially $900 toward one credit card at a time. That would make for a very uneventful summer and me going stir-crazy in boredom.
Philip did point out that I could be working to help supplement our income over the summer, but the idea of joining the retail rat race again is just unappealing to me personally. I did apply for some teaching positions for summer programs, but nothing really developed. I am looking into doing some craft projects that lets me be artistically expressive and turn a profit. I even found a site that lets you sell your wares over the Internet. The question: What exactly would be my ware?
The other thing is saving money while paying all the debt off. Both of us set money aside, but then something comes up like a larger bill than expected, a traffic ticket from 5 years ago or registration fees for test taking and it's gone. Now originally that not what we purposed the funds for but it was nice to have that extra bit to take care of it and then we're back to zero or close to it. Shouldn't we be putting everything we can toward the debt to be rid of it sooner? And why are we spending our savings if we're putting it away? We have yet to work out the concept of an emergency fund and what constitutes an emergency.
All of these options have their hidden costs of time, money, experience, self-restraint/willpower and positive results.
WIP
In a month $3290 goes through our bank account and $2349 of that goes to all the little companies ($359 of that are minimum payments to school loans and credit cards the other $1990 are bare necessities not including food and gas but more on that later) leaving us with a resounding $941 "profit".
WHAT!!!!!
There is no way I'm spend $941 outside our budget! Not to say we're broke but we have not carried that high a balance as of yet. So what's going on? Part of it does go to food and gas. IN the month of May for Gas alone I spent $113.63. Food is a whole other story. In May I didn't buy groceries, I ate dinner out instead of cooking, $488.10! Please understand that includes buying dinner for both my husband and I, my sister and his Aunt and cousin on various occasions.
That's still only $601.73 for food and gas, I am going to have to re-think that segment of our budget. $200 was our goal but we tripled that, I think $300 ($ 120 for gas and $180 for food, respectively) is more reasonable and should be plenty for just myself while the Hubbie is away.
Now, the other part are us buying personal hygiene products, gardening supplies, gifts, an oil change, and a dentist visit. So cutting back on all these things could potentially actually put $300 in our hands-- good to know. I haven't brought fast food since school got out and I brought enough groceries to last me the rest of this month. So this shouldn't be too difficult since most of this purchases were one time buys or only happen every couple of months like the gifts, a oil change and dentist visit.
I think I set my savings goals way too high. Initially I wanted to have all our bills paid and the credit cards paid off completely by August. So then we would only have to focus on making regular payments for our cars and my student loans, saving all that we had been putting toward the now paid off credit cards into a high interest saving account for a house down payment. Our income would increase since I would have my teaching certificate and by November we could move to a smaller place for just the two of us. I'm realizing that in order to keep everything paid and current (no late payments) I have just enough to work with if I'm willing to put all that potentially $900 toward one credit card at a time. That would make for a very uneventful summer and me going stir-crazy in boredom.
Philip did point out that I could be working to help supplement our income over the summer, but the idea of joining the retail rat race again is just unappealing to me personally. I did apply for some teaching positions for summer programs, but nothing really developed. I am looking into doing some craft projects that lets me be artistically expressive and turn a profit. I even found a site that lets you sell your wares over the Internet. The question: What exactly would be my ware?
The other thing is saving money while paying all the debt off. Both of us set money aside, but then something comes up like a larger bill than expected, a traffic ticket from 5 years ago or registration fees for test taking and it's gone. Now originally that not what we purposed the funds for but it was nice to have that extra bit to take care of it and then we're back to zero or close to it. Shouldn't we be putting everything we can toward the debt to be rid of it sooner? And why are we spending our savings if we're putting it away? We have yet to work out the concept of an emergency fund and what constitutes an emergency.
All of these options have their hidden costs of time, money, experience, self-restraint/willpower and positive results.
WIP
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Children?
"Are your Pregnant?" this is what my Mom asked me when I told her that my boyfriend of three months and I were discussing marriage. This at least to me seems to be the primary conclusion that people jump too when you do marry quickly. Most people don't voice such a conclusion but then she is my mother.
Being newly married this is the next question, "Are you going to have kids?"' wink, wink, nudge, nudge.' Besides being incredibly embarrassed that other random people such as my boss, colleagues and the lunch lady make statements on your sex life, to me it makes a statement of our social models and standards. Now that it is socially acceptable to have sex I should immediately be knocked up as well. 'First comes love, then comes marriage, 2 seconds later I have a baby carriage? WTF?
We did, my husband and I, discuss having children. It was mostly deciding on a time on which to pursue the subject further. We thought that 2013 would be a good year to start baby making if the world doesn't end. Hey, it worked for us with Obama.
It's the science of it that is daunting. On the male side there is this impression that sperm will always work forever. But on the female side there's a finite number of eggs and years compounded by risk. Yesterday, I got July's Marie Claire and it was full of articles about getting pregnant with titles like ' How to Have a Baby and Keep your Man'; '10 Things to Ask your Doctor About IVF' and 'The New High Tech Pregnancy.' Knowing that their stats are skewed and not exactly correct still does not help the quiver at the bottom of my stomach.
Then there's the birth control issue. I'm personally tired of myself going through the 'hormonal crazies' every month. These last couple ones without it have been a recurring "preggers" scare nightmare. Knowing myself, I'm too neurotic to play it cool. From past experience, I'm not one to suffer from the usual symptoms of pregnancy and I'm irregular. Anything slightly off when I finally do have my period sends a warning that it could be any other disorder or disease women in my family have suffered from besides a baby as well. I realized this morning that I have to stay healthy "baby ready" even if we don't have kids for the next ten years. I'm making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow!
I have friends that have newborns and toddlers and then some that are still dating and club-hopping. It's hard to know where to fit. My one friend who has the most similar situation to mine lives 60 miles away and goes to boot camp this summer. Logically, I should make new friends, but I really don't want too I have enough as it is. I can admit that I like children and I want them eventually even spontaneously when I'm ready. However that's the true question: When will I be ready? How will I know I am? Was I ready before and missed my chance?
My husband probably thinks that children will just come along when you have reach that level for such a spiritual challenge. But I work everyday with the results of unplanned pregnancy, the condom breaks, and when the risks win. I have issues about being caught unprepared. Ultimately I know this is one of those things I should entrust in the Goddess about. Yet I feel that just as she brought Philip and I together in a whirled wind she could very well do the same with our reproductive systems.
Work-in-progress
Being newly married this is the next question, "Are you going to have kids?"' wink, wink, nudge, nudge.' Besides being incredibly embarrassed that other random people such as my boss, colleagues and the lunch lady make statements on your sex life, to me it makes a statement of our social models and standards. Now that it is socially acceptable to have sex I should immediately be knocked up as well. 'First comes love, then comes marriage, 2 seconds later I have a baby carriage? WTF?
We did, my husband and I, discuss having children. It was mostly deciding on a time on which to pursue the subject further. We thought that 2013 would be a good year to start baby making if the world doesn't end. Hey, it worked for us with Obama.
It's the science of it that is daunting. On the male side there is this impression that sperm will always work forever. But on the female side there's a finite number of eggs and years compounded by risk. Yesterday, I got July's Marie Claire and it was full of articles about getting pregnant with titles like ' How to Have a Baby and Keep your Man'; '10 Things to Ask your Doctor About IVF' and 'The New High Tech Pregnancy.' Knowing that their stats are skewed and not exactly correct still does not help the quiver at the bottom of my stomach.
Then there's the birth control issue. I'm personally tired of myself going through the 'hormonal crazies' every month. These last couple ones without it have been a recurring "preggers" scare nightmare. Knowing myself, I'm too neurotic to play it cool. From past experience, I'm not one to suffer from the usual symptoms of pregnancy and I'm irregular. Anything slightly off when I finally do have my period sends a warning that it could be any other disorder or disease women in my family have suffered from besides a baby as well. I realized this morning that I have to stay healthy "baby ready" even if we don't have kids for the next ten years. I'm making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow!
I have friends that have newborns and toddlers and then some that are still dating and club-hopping. It's hard to know where to fit. My one friend who has the most similar situation to mine lives 60 miles away and goes to boot camp this summer. Logically, I should make new friends, but I really don't want too I have enough as it is. I can admit that I like children and I want them eventually even spontaneously when I'm ready. However that's the true question: When will I be ready? How will I know I am? Was I ready before and missed my chance?
My husband probably thinks that children will just come along when you have reach that level for such a spiritual challenge. But I work everyday with the results of unplanned pregnancy, the condom breaks, and when the risks win. I have issues about being caught unprepared. Ultimately I know this is one of those things I should entrust in the Goddess about. Yet I feel that just as she brought Philip and I together in a whirled wind she could very well do the same with our reproductive systems.
Work-in-progress
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)